Doggie Boutique Regrettably Unaffected By Recession
While useful business across the nation are shuttered and their talented workers forced into unemployment, one doggie boutique in Chicago that specializes in organic doggie treats and homemade doggie outfits remains irksomely unscathed by the crumbling economy.
Frustratingly anathema to overall declining retail numbers, the Lincoln Park Woof Woof Dog Boutique, has, in fact, reported a rise in sales lately.
"We're a pretty recession-proof industry," boasts owner Betsy Pinkton. "No matter what the state of the economy is, people in this neighborhood still need things like Cubs-embroidered doggie booties! They're perfect for letting the whole neighborhood know which team their little pup goes howling mad for!"
Woof Woof continues to churn out leopard-skin doggie beds, puppy biker jackets, and dog-sized puppy costumes for dogs at a pace that has experts mildly surprised and absolutely infuriated.
"I hate this bullshit," spat Dr. Samuel Thatherton, a statistician at the University of Pittsburgh. "And I'll tell you what else: I bet those assholes put their fru-fru doggie bullshit on their credit cards, too. Fuck."
Prospering in the face of disappearing neighborhood convenience stores, taverns and hardware stores, the canine-fashion shop also continues to rankle the shit out of dog-less residents throughout the city.
"God damnit!" said corporate attorney Brock Damen, whose law office is around the corner from the boutique. "This slump should have, amongst other things, spelled the end of doggie-costume parties, dogs wearing sunglasses and master-pet matching outfits, but somehow it's made it worse."
"Good-for-nothing piece of shit recession!" added Damen.
Pinkton attributes her success to finding new and creative ways to make your four-legged baby look just adorable, and make him or her the talk -- nay, bark -- of the town.
"Even when times are tight, sometimes you just need to pamper that little cutie, and for that we have an assortment of tile-inlaid water and food bowls that can be customized to fit your puppy's tastes. You can also try the Deluxe Doggie Spa package!" she explained.
"Urrrghhhh," groaned Dr. Thatherton when told of the statement.
No one can predict how long the demand for pet strollers and other items that ought to embarrass any dog owner will last, but most bleakly expect such things to ride out the economic lull and come back even stronger in a more solvent future.
Some, however, remain hopeful that the effects of rising unemployment and economic stagnation will eventually put an end to the grotesquely cute parade of anthropomorphized pets in the neighborhood.
"I'm with Rush [Limbaugh] on this one: I want President Obama to fail," said Brock Damen. "I want him to fail so badly that the canine boutique loses 14 million dollars, and its owners are forced into poverty."
