Survey Finds That One Out Of Five People At This Morning's Meeting Masturbated In The Shower
A poll taken of the attendees at this morning's staff meeting indicates that at least one out of the five people sitting around you had masturbated in the shower mere hours (or minutes, in the case of Jones from accounting, who lives around the corner from the office) before addressing the team with their monthly updates and reports.
The findings were enough to make you wonder what Donaldson, who sat to your right throughout the meeting, was thinking about during the presentation of the quick rise and fall of company profits.
The results of the survey surprised research leader Edwin B. Hapsbun, who had predicted that the self-love ratio would be much higher.
"We had expected numbers above fifty percent [of those who had beaten off during their morning routine]," said Hapsbun. "The large degree of error between our hypothesis and the results could be due the fact that this morning's meeting was rather important, and certain members didn't want to be giving a presentation to the group and accidentally let slip, 'And then you will see by this graph that I jerked off while thinking about the woman I should have married instead of my wife.'"
Hapsbun added that for accuracy, the team may try again on a "casual Friday" when "there's less at stake."
Nevertheless, the fact that 20% of everyone in the meeting self-induced an orgasm this very morning has turned a number of heads amongst the offices of the company.
"Our company's health care program requires that employees don't smoke, and they are tested regularly," said CEO Craig Urman. "We are considering instituting a similar policy to verify that employees haven't slapped the salami before coming to work, as we feel that this reduces confidence and performance, both of which our clients have come to expect."
Employees, Urman suggests, would be subject to random testing, in which they would masturbate into a small cup that would be taken to a lab that could determine if they had masturbated within the preceding 12 hours. The conference room will be reserved later in the week for staff to discuss, in detail, the provisions of the new office policy.
Most employees were amazed by the results of the survey.
"One out of five, huh?" replied Jones from accounting when asked to comment. "That's weird, but well! It wasn't me, so not my problem! Ha ha!"
"So how about Cassandra's presentation on the new voice mail system, huh?" he added. "Anyway, the point is, we should definitely not have those random tests."
Others, however, wholeheartedly support the new proposed policy.
"Last thing I want to think about before making a speech about increased employee efficiency," said Jim Durmond of human resources, "is what Gabe [Carder, IT department head] might have been doing alone in the shower. Bad enough to think about him doing regular things like eating, sleeping or making love, but the possibility that he was rubbing his rod just a few minutes before he sat down next to me makes concentrating impossible."
"These are conditions that no one should have to work in," Durmond concluded, "and frankly, I think OSHA [the Occupational Safety and Health Administration] should be notified."
At present, OSHAA does not have any specific policy concerning onanists in the workplace.
You declined to participate in the survey, claiming that you had a lot of work to do.
