Man Relieved That Ex-Girlfriend Is Finally Fat
Matt Benson, after six months of being tortured by the thought of his ex-girlfriend Liz Arten living a happy and successful life, expressed joy and elation upon receiving the news that Arten has gained significant weight, concentrated mostly in her hindquarters and gluteus maximus region.
The information came via two of Benson's friends and confidants, Joseph Sortenson and Greg Delaney, who had been drinking in the Circle Bar at the time Arten's arrival.
"You could track that fat Mack truck of an ass on radar," claimed Sortenson. "She was like one of those fun-house mirrors. I saw the monstrosity she was towing behind her and that defeated look on her face and said to myself, ‘Matt's going to love this'."
Delaney confirmed the findings in a statement nearly identical to Sortenson's, excepting the replacement of the words "fat" and "monstrosity" with "vast" and "atrocity", respectively.
"God, it really was huge," he added. "It's always been teetering on the edge between regular and super-sized, but you could tell that a big meal and one too many beers would send it over. By the looks of it, she'd had a few of those."
"That was the best news I've ever heard or will ever hear," Benson declared to Delaney and Sortenson at the time the story was relayed to him. "This is the best day of my life."
Benson then embraced the two and wept tears of joy and laughed as he imagined Arten trying to sit down in a movie theater, as well as the hours she would be spending on the Stairmaster and treadmill while forcing herself to adhere to strict diets, all in a fruitless attempt to reduce the size of her now inflated behind.
In a statement to the press, Benson clarified his elation at the news of Arten's overweight state, describing the ordeal of being broken up with [Arten] as being a harrowing and execrable experience, fueled by his fears that she may have attained the success she claimed would be hers when the two parted ways.
"I thought that by now she might be making some serious coin – that is all she ever talked about, besides her ass – or that she would be otherwise happy with her life, and her weight, or something," he said. "I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that she is flabby, unattractive and, presumably, miserable."
Arten was unavailable for comment as of this writing, but acquaintances of hers that claim to be "on her side" nevertheless corroborated the findings of Sortenson and Delaney, although in a less positive light; former college roommates Beth Linton and Janine Gretton viewed the weight increase as a negative and expressed sympathy for Arten and her buttocks.
"If only I had forced her to go running with me, or convince her that it would be fun to try Atkins together, all of this senseless weight gain could have been avoided," Linton cried. "At least all this will change is that she will be chastised by a society that values above all else a nice ass and good looking rack, of which she has neither. But what she will always have is us."
"The poor girl," lamented Gretton as she shook her head and looked at a picture of herself and Arten from college when Gretton could put her arm around her friend's waist without having to lean over. "It was her biggest fear, more than grey hair or death. What, Lord, did she do to deserve this? My heart goes out to her, even if she did sort of bring it on herself with all of that beer and cheese."
But despite extensive data on Arten's eating habits and the effects of carbohydrates and fatty foods, Benson firmly believes that the weight gain is the result of a "divine hex" and that furthermore, the gods are not through punishing her.
"I won't get into it now, but this is only about half of what she deserves," Benson claimed as he ate a pretzel, a food which Arten cannot eat without increasing the diameter of her ass. "She turned mean quick, and if karma comes on pound for pound basis, then she can expect another 40 where the first 30 came from."
Adding to his comments, he smiled and declared that, "Life is beautiful and the future is bright."
