Condoleezza Rice Releases Hip-Hop Album To Combat Own Whiteness

Pictured: the cover of Condoleezza Rice's forthcoming rap album.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, who is considering a run for President in 2008, recently released a "hardcore gangster" hip-hop album that tells the story of her "ghetto childhood" as a piano prodigy, as well as the "criminal life" she led while pursuing her Master's Degree at the University of Notre Dame at the age of 20.

"People are not aware of my gangster roots," said Condoleezza Rice at a recent press conference to promote her album, which is titled "It Is Not Expedient To Interfere With The Alacrity Of My Niggers". "In fact, while studying under the father of former Secretary of State Madeline Albright, I conducted several drive-by shootings and dealt many hard drugs, such as marijuana and crack cocaine."

The album was produced by platinum rap artist D. R. Dre, M.D., Ph.D., who has produced such major African-American-imitating stars as Eminem and Michael Bolton (Bolton's new CD, "Don't Fuck with da Bolt", is slated for limited release in 2006).

"Condoleezza Rice knows how to keep it real," said Dr. D. R. Dre in an interview with Rolling Stone. "In fact, while she was capping the shit out of Iraq, she was also pimping major bling in the post-hizzle j-to-the-ambrosia skizzle."

He nodded affectionately.

Indeed, with lyrics like: "It's fatidic, don't be turbid / I gonna be punctilious at ya turban / da excrescence of ya nebbish face/ ain't nothing but supererogatory malaise / now shut da fuck up while we bomb ya (what what)," Condoleezza Rice (whose rapper pseudonym is "Condoleezza Rice") can expect to hit superstardom faster than any other musical artist, ever.

"I predict this will sell faster than 50 Cent," said the doctor of rapping and ornamental horitculture. "People really like people rapping about violent crimes they have committed and intend to commit."

But many critics in the hip-hop genre hail the album as "different" and "tripping," which is Ebonics for "not altogether right and/or good". Others are wary of the message it sends to young black children: that it is okay for black people to not speak Ebonics as long as they produce a rap album at some point.

"You see a successful, powerful black woman like Condoleezza Rice, and you see the whiteness she exudes," said African-American expert Chatawna Jackson Brown. "But it's telling our kids that it's okay to be black and speak like Whitey, and that is a dangerous message to send to the young children of Afro-Americazzle."

"Does participating in Blackdom, such as producing rap music, make her betrayal of her roots forgivable in the eyes of the Lawd [sic]?" asked the Reverend Jesse Sharpton, who has been proven to be unrelated to both Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton on the Maury show four times. "The answer is: no. Eminem has proven time and time again that rapping alone will not save you from Whiteness. One must have complete faith in the Black Community and its hive brain in order to be saved."

President George W. Bush, who normally asks Condoleezza Rice's permission before using the bathroom, was possibly the most unsettled by her departure from her usual whiteness. Her venture into "the great unknown" that is Blackdom left him unnerved and constantly checking for his wallet.

"Was I expecting this? No," said the President while listening to country music and wearing a cowboy hat with tassels. "And I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me a little bit. I mean, it's hard enough to see them at night anyway, let alone understand them."

Condoleezza Rice's album is due out by the end of the month.

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