Bolton Confirms Self As Ambassador

After yet another Senate delay on a vote on controversial UN ambassador nominee John Bolton, Bolton himself surprised the gathered Senators by bursting onto the floor and voting himself to the position, leaving frustrated Democrats and others opposing the nomination frustrated but helpless.

"I don't like it, but I can't stop it," said Sen. Joseph Biden of Delaware, swallowing nervously. "What John Bolton says, John Bolton gets. I don't want to be the one to piss him off and get a nail through my dick."

Bolton's infamous dick-nailing and other such tactics of intimidation are what make him such a controversial nominee in the first place, although a few analysts also claim his open hatred for the UN and distortion of facts about Syria's WMDs may have something to do with the opposition. Still, for most Democrats, the threat of a penis badly damaged by having a sharp piece of metal driven through it is enough to simultaneously hate Bolton but also allow him to do whatever he wants.

"I guess what it comes down to at the end of the day is what is more important to me and my fellow Democrats: our balls, or the UN," said Biden. "And frankly, I think I speak for all Democrats when I say we need to keep what balls we have."

Bolton denied the allegations against him when confirming himself, although he did threaten to respond to any further dissent on the matter with "extreme prejudice".

"I'll be a fucking fine UN nominee," he said, tapping a hammer into his open palm and kicking Biden's chair every so often, causing the fearful Senator to yelp loudly. "I didn't intimidate any of you shits before, and if you say otherwise, I'll to you."

"Fuck the UN, I'm out," Bolton concluded, pushing the podium over and walking out as Vice President Dick Cheney quickly hustled onto the floor to restore the podium, grinning nervously and saying, "Okay, John Bolton, everyone! Give him a hand, for the love of God."

Some analysts who are not afraid of having things pounded through their dicks, however, still insist that having a UN ambassador that strikes fear into even Dick Cheney is not a good decision.

"The UN is a very delicate organization to deal with," said one under condition of anonymity. "You have to talk very softly and not wear any bright clothes. I think John Bolton is going to have a lot of crying representatives to deal with."

The White House firmly backed Bolton's nomination of himself, however, calling the Democrats' opposition "anti-progress".

"Democrats just like to block things, no matter what they really think," said White House spokesman Scott McClellan scornfully. "I saw one block an ice cream cone the other day."

President Bush says he is relieved that Bolton pushed his own nomination through, as a potentially long and bitter battle has been averted.

"I would've had to push him through on the holiday break this July 4th," he said. "That was a close one."

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