Bush Vetoes Opportunity To Not Be An Asshole

After over 38 years of not using it, President Bush invoked his Presidential vetoing power today to strike down a bill that would've reduced his factor of assholishness by at least a factor of three.

Using a pen and a special vetoing decoder ring, Bush signed a veto on the bill that passed the Senate 63-37, utilizing the little-known part of democracy in which the will of one person supercedes the will of the majority.

The bill would have loosened the restrictions on how decent of a guy Bush can be, but the President said in his defense that the bill would've demanded "too high a cost".

"This bill would support the taking away of my right to be an asshole in the hope of making life just a little less shitty for others," Bush said Wednesday afternoon from the White House. "It crosses a boundary that I don't like, and so our society needs to respect it. So I vetoed it."

The President invited a group of people who appreciate him being an asshole to the White House for his speech, including Senator Rick Santorum.

"Every time President Bush has to refrain from being an asshole, it hurts me a little inside," he said. "People need to realize that the pain I and several other people feel when our President is not allowed to be an asshole is just too much to bear. Too much for us to bear."

Bush also pointed to the fact that he put his own asshole limits on himself in 2001, restricting himself to acting like an asshole in only 98% of all possible cases. But researchers say that there is evidence he has not fulfilled his own mandate.

"Seriously, just think about it," said Dr. Julius Farve, political science professor at Duke University. "Try and remember any time where President Bush wasn't being an asshole, or at the very least a douchebag. Maybe that ocean protection thing. That's pretty much it."

Bush's actions have divided the Republican Party, with many opposing his refusal to expand his non-asshole courses of action.

"I am a Republican, but I can't support President Bush continuing to be a total dick," said Senator Arlen Specter. "I have personal experience with feeling the pain of being subjected to him being an asshole, and I believe we should do anything we can to stop it."

Lawrence T. Smith, chairman of the American Happiness, Association, called the veto "a devastating setback for the 300 million American children and adults who enjoy being happy and living life to its fullest potential of the times."

Opponents argue that there are other options available for those who don't like the way President Bush acts.

"For example, you can leave," suggested Senator Santorum. "Just get out. You're free to move out of the country, and all it really requires is saving a little money and picking up a few language tapes at the airport."

"Because frankly," he added gravely, "you being here is making me very uncomfortable."

A representative for the White House said that the President realizes that his actions could cause millions of people across the nation to endure suffering that may not be necessary, but that he just doesn't care.

"This isn't news to the President," said the representative. "He knows that there are people out there who are affected by this. But seriously, who even cares?"

Analysts say this may not be the only time Bush invokes his veto powers -- a bill surfacing in the House that could increase everyone's age by 34 years is also being targeted.

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