Bush Opens Oil Reserves In White House Basement

Due to the destruction of New Orleans, a city of sin and debauchery in the southern United States, 95 percent of the Gulf of Mexico's oil output has been put out of service. In response, President George W. Bush declared that the Strategic Petroleum Reserve (SPR), located in the basement of the White House, would immediately be opened.

The SPR is composed of approximately 24 gallons of unleaded gasoline, purchased by the President at a local Sunoco gas station in case of a national emergency.

"This ought to hold us for a while," the President remarked to reporters at the time of the gas pumping, "although we're probably going to want to drill into the wildlife preserve soon."

The emergency opening of the SPR marks the first time the reserves have been utilized; the chaos along the Gulf Coast has completely halted the exportation of petroleum-based products such as oil, gasoline, and McDonald's new chicken sandwiches.

"I told the [Vice President] Dickster [Cheney], "We're going to need this [gasoline] soon,'" said the President on Wednesday. "I told him. You think I'm lying but you can ask him. Go ahead, ask him."

As instructed, this Enduring Vision Action Correspondent asked the Vice President to corroborate or deny the President's allegations. Vice President Cheney indeed confirmed that President Bush had, in fact, told him "from day one" that there would be a war in Iraq to remove Saddam Hussein.

The SPR is a new initiative, created as a sub-ministerial committee underneath the Secretary of Homeland Security. The President wanted to see to it that none of the committee's $2.6 billion budget was wasted, and "personally ensurify" that the gasoline was purchased from the cheapest local retailer.

"We're supporting American businesses," said the President. "Sunoco supports American freedom, the freedom to choose: super-ultra, premium, or even regular unleaded for the little guy."

It is reported that the fuel was purchased for $2.55 per gallon, totaling in upwards of $61.20 for the entire order. Shortly thereafter, prices skyrocketed to $3.00 a gallon, saving American taxpayers over $10.80.

The deficit for the committee is one of the smallest deficits in the world, totaling only $2,599,999,938.80 (less than 1% of the national budget deficit of the United States' federal government). Such fiscal responsibility can be attributed to frugal government spending and the price-saving efforts of the President. The whereabouts of the remaining $2.5999999288 billion are still unknown, but President Bush has assured the nation that it is probably being put to good use.

"Do I know where the money is? No," said the President during a phone interview on CNN's Larry King Live. "Do I know who the president of Venezuela is? No. These are not the issues here. The issues here are whether or not Americans are safer today than they were yesterday. And I think the answer to that question is probably yes, I'm not really sure. That's not the real issue here."

Unfortunately, Secret Service agents carrying the SPR up the basement stairs of the White House tripped and spilled almost twenty gallons of the reserve gasoline on the concrete floor, costing taxpayers $14 billion in cleanup fees.

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