Coretta Scott King 'Would Have Wanted Funeral To Be Full Of Politicking,' Says Family

Pictured: what the funeral looked like.

The mix of eulogy and politicking present at the funeral of Coretta Scott King was in accordance with her wishes, says the King family, who claim that the "First Lady of the Civil Rights Movement" would have been "more than happy" to see the six-hour ceremony dedicated to her memory used as a launching pad for attacks on the Bush Administration.

"Our mother," said King's daughter, Bernice King, "would have been delighted to see the exacerbated look on President Bush's face when Reverend Joseph Lowry ripped him to pieces in honor of her commitment to civil rights and decency."

More than a mere individual, say relatives and friends, King was an embodiment of greater things, including unity, forgiveness, and making the President look bad in a public forum. One relative even fondly recalled when King preemptively protested the war in Iraq along with her crusade for equality.

"If there's one thing I hate more than unfair segregation and discrimination, it's any future presidents who might go to war in the Middle East," King allegedly said during the 1950's. "Hopefully there will be brave people around at that time who will take my death -- which, God willing, will happen during the future war -- as a chance to make tenuous links between my civil rights crusade and Iraq."

"I would think it would be Iraq," King reportedly clarified.

"The death of a civil rights leader, the caliber of Coretta Scott King, reminds us that we still have a long way to go, because she wouldn't have died if people like George Bush weren't out to get her," said Rev. Lowry as he glorified the memory of King. "She lives on through the power of her actions, but allow me to speak for her when I say, in the same kind and gentle spirit that she always exhibited to all, that 'President Bush can lick my balls'."

While not seen applying his tongue to the testes of Rev. Lowry or anyone else during the ceremony, President Bush did make an appearance, much to the ire of those who would have rather protested his absence.

Speaking to the congregation gathered at the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church in Lithonia, GA, Bush told the crowd, "Mrs. King was and still is an inspiration to us all, and showed us what staying the course is all about. In the spirit of her forgiving nature, I would like to ask everyone here to forget about that little war I inaugurated over there in Iraq, amongst other things I've screwed up, and think about all the blacks and other minorities I have nominated to places of great power throughout the government. Thank you."

Other leaders such as former presidents Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, as well as future president Hillary Rodham Clinton, all told Bush, basically, to eat shit as they all paid their respects to the wife of Martin Luther King Jr.

"Now is not only the time place to think about a great leader, such as Mrs. King, but also about the horrible one we have sitting in our midst right now," said Mrs. Clinton. "Sure, she was a great woman, but if I am elected President in 2008 I will immediately draw all of our troops out of Iraq, which, despite her leadership skills, Coretta was never capable of doing. I guess you just can't have it all."

Clinton added that she would work hard to build bipartisan support for a bill designed to bring King back from the dead.

The King family was particularly charmed over the comments of Rev. Al Sharpton who, outside the ceremony, stated the following: "Coretta Scott King's memory shall remain undiminished, despite those who -- cough! Fuck Bush! Ahem! -- try to use her death for political gain. The lessons she taught to the world about moral rectitude, decency, and -- ahem! Bush sucks, harmfph! -- respect to others will not be lost on this nation."

Thanks to King's wishes being so tactfully honored, her family kept their composure and celebrated the life of their beloved mother and the nation's leading female civil rights activists. Meanwhile, demonstrators outside the church who had come in a show of national unity and solidarity held signs demanding that Bush apologize for his attendance, for what would have been his absence if he had not attended, for not supporting stem-cell and cryogenic-deep-freeze research which could have kept King alive indefinitely, and for attending a kegger during a civil rights demonstration on Yale's campus in 1967.

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