Conservatives And Liberals Thrilled At Sheehan's Arrest

Though the two sides remain deeply divided over support of the war in Iraq, protesters on both sides of the line have all agreed that the arrest of "peace-mom" Cindy Sheehan at a rally outside the White House is absolutely sensational. Though the reasons for excitement are not identical, both sides gleefully expounded upon the implications of her arrest.

"Finally, somebody found a way to shut that little cooze up," said anti-anti-war protester Raymond Drezzle from the National Mall, where protesters stood in protest of the anti-war protesters. "Maybe now she'll shut the fuck up so my son, who's a Marine in the 1st combat battalion, can go on fighting the war in peace."

Like Drezzle, many conservatives and moderates across the nation have expressed relief that the most ubiquitous face of the peace movement is now temporarily behind bars. Many are crediting the U.S. Park Police officers that removed her and other protesters for protesting without a permit for having ended a siege on their freedom to go on supporting President Bush and the war effort.

"She was like that really annoying car commercial you see during the six o' clock news that you hate, but one day strangely find yourself in the very same dealer's lot looking to buy a used Toyota Camry," explained Don Richardson, a Camden, New Jersey resident who drove to Washington to join the protest in support of the opposition to Cindy Sheehan. "Now if it only wasn't for those other Camp Casey lemmings, we could all get a good night of sleep knowing that our sons, daughters, husbands and fathers in Iraq will be universally supported by this nation for the next five or ten years they'll be over there [in Iraq]."

Those in the liberal camp tend to view the situation from a different point of view, but with no less a ravenous delight over the latest turn of events.

"That poor woman," laughed anti-war protester Tracy Stan as she touted a homemade sign on a stick that read "WE LOVE YOU, CINDY! WHAT SHOULD WE DO NEXT?". "First she suffers the loss of her son, then President Bush won't meet with her or even let her sleep in his barn, and then she gets arrested. This is going to totally help our cause. This rules!"

Stan says that she also made an attempt at getting arrested herself to help the cause, but was only given a ticket when she refused to feed the "fascist, war-supporting" parking meter.

"I'm so disappointed," moped the wannabe-martyr Stan, "but maybe I can find a way to get beaten by the police in a location where a totally random and uninvolved bystander can take tens of pictures and sell them to every news paper in the world. That would make America look really bad, and that's the kind of thing that Americans have to be willing to do to get the troops home."

Sheehan herself was also thrilled at being arrested, and especially at the threat of incarceration. As the anti-war movement builds steam, Sheehan claims to be only part of a larger movement and is in no way the only American standing up for the troops by committing petty misdemeanors.

"If I can do this, anyone can – that's the American way," said Sheehan, the object of so much admiration and vitriol. "I would never recommend that Americans do slightly-illegal things to get additional attention to their causes, but it worked for me." Sheehan then giggled and added, "This was so easy, it almost feels like cheating!"

Both sides have expressed a desire to see Sheehan locked up indefinitely and denied access to legal representation.

"That would be awesome," said war supporter Dale Robinson of Little Rock, Arkansas. "Yeah, way fucking cool. Imprisonment without trial rules."

"Put her away, I say," agreed fellow Camp Casey protester and friend Donna Jargon. "I mean, if losing our young men and women to roadside bombs isn't enough to encourage Americans to demand that the troops come home, then maybe Cindy behind bars will be."

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