Elderly Ask For Say In Medicare Bill, Are Put In Retirement Homes

As Senators debated Sunday whether or not to pass a Medicare bill that would radically change the way prescription drug coverage is offered to retirees, many of those very retirees gathered together in front of the White House to form a simple request: to have a say in the bill that would directly affect them.

Despite the backing of the AARP, many reports indicate that the majority of seniors actually oppose the new bill, claiming that the reforms will greatly increase their prescription drug costs.

White House security, however, quickly made short work of the elderly, breaking their hips to subdue them, then stuffing them into "rest homes" and rendering them unable to speak out any longer.

"This is an important bill on the future of how the elderly are taken care of," said one White House spokesman, "and we don't need the elderly parading out front of the White House, spouting off about what they think."

Many senators who favour the bill, such as Jim Bunning of Kentucky, mirrored these sentiments.

"The elderly just need to trust that we know what's best for them," he said, "even if what they claim they may want is the exact opposite of what we're going to be doing for them."

"I don't really care what the elderly have to say about this bill," added Bill Frist, a Tennessee republican. "Most of them probably have that old timer's disease anyway, and thus don't know what they are saying, or even where they are anymore."

"That's not true," protested one elderly man, who overheard Frist's comments. "I'm in Washington D.C."

"Suuuuuure you are," Frist said reassuringly, patting the man on the head and rolling his eyes at our reporter.

House Speaker Dennis Hastert, an Illinois republican, assured the elderly and opposing Senators that the bill would offer "big changes" for Medicare.

"This bill is going to change things for the elderly," he said confidently. "It's all about changing the current system."

When asked if it would change things for the better, Hastert replied loudly, "Yes sir, it's going to bring changes, all right. A little change here, a little there, and before you know it, it's all one big change-eroo."

Hastert went on to say that the elderly have no business criticizing the bill, since they are not in politics themselves.

"They may be old, yes, but are they senators?" he asked. "No, I don't think so. So why the hell are they trying to speak up about things that senators care about? It just doesn't make sense, if you ask me."

Furthermore, he said, senior citizens should "stick to what they know".

"I don't go down to Florida and tell an old person how to drive slowly or yell at young people, or get sick and eventually die," he said, "so in turn, they shouldn't tell me whether or not a bill is good for them. It's just common courtesy."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: