Lack Of Supreme Court Nomination Controversy May Create Controversy

Judge John Roberts was recently nominated by President George W. Bush to the Supreme Court, a position that is traditionally hotly contested, often years before it is actually open. Aware of this, Roberts is preparing himself for the coming storm of controversy over his nomination.

"I like these socks because you can wear them anywhere," he said while holding a cup of coffee in an EV-exclusive interview. "And the wife got me this tie." He touched his dark blue tie lightly, and took a sip of the coffee.

A clock ticked in the background.

The US Senate, which is part of the government, has been spending recent weeks preparing to engage in total war over President Bush's nominations. When word came that Judge John Roberts, a white man who was born in Buffalo, New York, had been nominated to the Supreme Court, nothing happened.

Senator Harry Reid (D-Nevada) drummed his fingers on his desk and angrily demanded: "Who is that?"

Indeed, Roberts' nomination has generated such little controversy that it may in fact be controversial.

"We were expecting a war," said Reid in a press release. "And what the President has done is to completely alienate all of us by nominating this nominee, who may or may not represent a clear threat to things. We may move to filibuster this nominee immediately."

In an Associated Press poll of ordinary Americans, 4% said they strongly supported Judge Roberts' nomination, while a whopping 4.7% said they strongly disapproved of his nomination. 91.3% of Americans said that Roberts was their "favorite daytime TV show."

According to sources, President Bush had originally considered Judge Judy for the nomination, but backed out when she yelled at him.

Roberts' nomination draws the ire of some. It is rumored that he wrote a brief for a client one time who wanted Roe vs. Wade overturned, which was a controversial Supreme Court decision that banned the government from owning women.

Said Janice Butchmaster, a leader for the National Organization for Women: "Roberts hates women and wants them to be baby factories. I wish someone would murder him and his penis."

"He doesn't support my right to choose," said Kiki Meadows, a student at the University of Florida -- Daytona. "And without my right to choose, we'd all have to wear the same things and stuff."

However, no one really knows what Roberts' personal views are, or how he plans on mangling the Constitution. His most controversial decision, for the US Court of Appeals in Washington, D.C., occurred when he struck down a local law allowing speed bumps over 12 inches in height. He weathered sharp criticism for his decision, but also earned the eternal devotion of approximately 4% of the population. Of the 4%, most were wookies, who vowed to defend him and his ship, the Millennium Eagle, until their deaths.

"I'm not really sure what he believes," said President Bush on Tuesday. "He reminds me of a man I once knew. I forget who that was. Or why I remember him. I just know I liked him. I think."

Roberts is expected to be confirmed by the Senate, unless a filibuster occurs or something else happens. No one really knows.

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