Terrorists Commandeer Planes Using Scissors, Attempt To Cancel Christmas

Taking advantage of recent changes in airport screening procedures that allow for scissors, small tools, and certain bombs to be taken on planes, terrorists have taken over hundreds of flights throughout the United States, threatening to crash them into buildings unless Christmas is cancelled.

"We terrorists hate Christmas - the whole Christmas season!" said the leader of the group, which is known only as "The Turrorists". "Please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason."

He added, "Well, actually it's probably because it's a perfect representation of the materialistic American culture that we hate so much."

Psychoanalysts for the military, however, suggest that there is a deeper reason for the plot behind mere culture clashing and jihadist intentions.

"I think that the most likely reason of all," said Dr. Theodor Geisel, "may be that the terrorists' hearts are two sizes too small."

Whatever the reason, Americans are now facing the prospect of having to cancel Christmas, with many regretting the change in airline standards that enabled the terrorists to carry through with their plot.

"In this post-9/11 age, I guess anything can be a weapon," sighed Cindy-Lou Johnson, a Massachusetts resident. "It's time that we learn that freedom isn't free, which means that we shouldn't be allowed to have any personal freedoms anymore, because that is the cost of having freedoms."

President Bush, whose recent controversy over secretly wiretapping American citizens has caused him to turn a sickly green color, agreed.

"To protect America, these freedoms," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

He then slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant, away to the White House, which demanded his presence. He needed to make sure the recently-extended Patriot Act is still on track to be renewed permanently.

However, despite seemingly-dwindling freedoms and the actions of the terrorists, in addition to high fuel prices for automobiles and heat, the war in Iraq, and Dick Cheney, most Americans seem on track to celebrate Christmas, or at least the holidays.

"Sure, the prospect of bills and terrorists destroying our cities can get you down," admitted one man, "but there's always fights with the in-laws to look forward to."

"I love when the holidays come because it enables me to talk about the War On Christmas!" thundered Bill O'Reilly and everyone else at Fox News. "Oh, I'm almost driven to orgasm just thinking about it!"

Hearing these comments three thousand feet up on one of the commandeered planes, a lead terrorist was enraged.

"How could it be so?" he demanded. "Christmas came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or public transit in New York!"

After puzzling this for three hours, the terrorist thought of something he hadn't before.

"Maybe Christmas," he mused, "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas ... perhaps ... means a little bit more."

He then landed the plane, and commanded the other terrorists to do the same. Reports indicate that terrorists will soon even offer to cut roast beast.

"And that," Bill O' Reilly concluded with satisfaction, "is how Christmas saved America."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: