Man Attempts To Offer Wrap-Up DNC Analysis, Did Not Actually Watch Coverage Of DNC

Gates Falls, Florida resident Matt Tanzer reportedly tried to give his "final word" on the Democratic National Convention, which ended last week, to friends and co-workers over the weekend, despite never actually watching or hearing anything about the convention, according to reports from those close to him.

"A bunch of us were talking about it [the convention] in the lunchroom, and Matt just comes barging in with his opinions, saying very ambiguous things like, 'Well, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either,' and, 'There were some good speeches, but some of them were just awful,'" recalled Janet LaPuelle, a co-worker of Tanzer's. "Almost right away, I found myself thinking, 'There's no way in hell you know anything about the convention.'"

LaPuelle was not the only one to so readily see through Tanzer's apparent facade.

"He would try to amend little things on to what everyone said -- not anything too profound, but just enough to extend the illusion that he knew what he was talking about," said another co-worker. "For example, someone said they really were surprised at the reaction to [Illinois Senator] Barack Obama's speech, since he was kind of low-profile up until recently, and Tanzer chimed in with, 'Oh, yeah, him. Boy, who would've thought? Hey, Obama's a funny name, isn't it?'"

"Jesus Christ, what a fucking phony," he added.

To compound the frustration of LaPuelle and others like her, Tanzer reportedly attempted to sound jaded, yet wise about the convention's true purpose and meaning.

"He kept trying to give this sage-like view, saying, 'Well, I think we can all agree that the convention is mainly just a pageant for the party, and doesn't really have too much substance,' and then just leave this big meaningful silence, and look around at all of us with a big stupid-ass wise smile on his face," LaPuelle said, disgusted. "He acted like he was providing us with masterful political analysis."

"I just wanted to say, 'Well, holy shit, Matt, thanks for the revelation!'" said another co-worker in frustration. "'And here I was thinking that these conventions were supposed to be something else than a pep rally for their respective party! You really opened my eyes, Wolf Blitzer!'"

Tanzer's family reported similar statements made at a recent family dinner, but added that he expanded on his original comments about the convention to relate them to the state of politics as a whole.

"God knows I love my son, but when he told us that all politicians are liars, and that we can't fully trust any of them, I wanted to crack him in the face," Tanzer's father, Mark, said. "I half expected for him to add that water turns into ice when the temperature drops low enough."

"Politics is a dirty game," said Tanzer's sister incredulously. "That was one of the bombshells Matt dropped at dinner. Gee, Matt, do you have any other gems from your bag of huge fucking cliches?"

Even worse, says Tanzer's father, were the equally-tired and predictable rebuttals Tanzer used when confronted about the questionable depth of his statements.

"I said, 'Matt, son, you're not really saying anything we haven't heard before,'" the elder Tanzer said. "And he just shook his head and called me naive. After that, I have to question if he even knows what the word means."

"He told me he had a right to complain, because he paid his taxes," his sister said, putting her head in her hands. "Good job, Matt. You did something that you're required by law to do."

But when asked whether or not he really watched the convention, Tanzer got "oddly defensive" -- more proof, says his father, that he did not see it.

"'I did, I watched it, I saw all of it, how could you not see it, it was everywhere!' He just went nuts," his father said. "Then he accused me of not watching it, which was stupid, because I didn't, because I didn't want to, because I knew it was going to be mostly over-inflated hype and that I could catch the highlights in the papers, which is exactly what Matt was trying to 'reveal' to me!"

"God, I wish he was still young enough for me to ground him, because I just might, for acting like such a dumbass," he groused.

As bad as the situation may be, those irritated by Tanzer's proclamations know they're not in the clear yet; most said they fully expect similar rhetoric next month, when the GOP has its convention.

"If there's ever been any evidence that the two dominant parties in America really are similar, it's that they can enable people like my brother to say the exact same things about both of them and still sound halfway coherent," Tanzer's sister said. "Of course, being coherent isn't a guarantee against being irritating as hell."

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