Without Wiretaps, Americans Would Never Have Known Of Jessica/Nick Split, Says Bush

The New York Times, in a move that destroyed United States national security forever, recently revealed that the U.S. government has been secretly tapping phone lines without warrants for the last four years. Bush explained he has authorized the tapping in excess of "thirty zillion" times and "enjoyed every minute of it."

In fact, according to inside sources the Enduring Vision has obtained embedded deep within the White House, President Bush "tends to get drunk" and "listen in on the phone conversations of his neighbors". The source, who refused to be identified, is named Bill Foggert and lives at 1134 Chestnut Street, Washington DC. His daughter is young and supple.

Thanks to the wiretaps, says President Bush, it was also recently revealed that Nick Lachey and his idiotic wife Jessica Simpson, having declined to renew their marriage contract with MTV, were pursuing a divorce. The news shocked America almost as much as the Bennifer Wars in the Balkans, but did not cause the widespread panic instigated by Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston Schism of 1710, which split the German empire into several independent, warring states.

"My fellow Americans," said the President against the backdrop of what looked to be an American flag. "Without the use of unconstitutional provisions in the Patriot Act, and their abuse by my administration, we never would have known that Jessica Simpson was cheating on Nick Degrees with that kid from Jackass. Without my authorization, we'd all still be stupidly unaware of their important marital problems."

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld agreed. "We had to do it. Hey shut up. Shut the hell up. She cheated on him, and he partied with all those girls. We had to do it, I swear to Jesus Christ. Hey shut the hell up."

Many normal Americans were amazed by the news of the wiretapping.

"I am amazed," said Bob Lowlab, a normal American. "[Nick and Jessica] looked so happy on MTV, I never would have guessed. I mean, they were just so happy." He wiped a tear from his eye.

"Nick should go on [VH1 forced sterilization advocacy program] 'The Surreal Life'," commented yet another citizen, drooling on his Carebears shirt profusely. "I would pay money to see what kinds of things he would say to Carl Winslow and Boner."

"When Tom [Cruise] and Nicole [Kidman] ended their marriage, I cried for months," said local housewife Amanda Julius while eating a tub of ice cream. "But you know, I always remembered Nick and Jessica and I thought that maybe -- just maybe -- things would be all right."

However, according to many recent studies, things are not all right. A 2005 statistical survey conducted by the MIT English Department (ha ha, as if) suggested that Nick and Jessica have split up more often this year than in any other previous year. The news is troubling to some scholars.

"This news is troubling to me," said Dr. Alan Greanwort, a scholar. "People seem complacent enough to ignore the abusive behavior of our celebrities. If we just paid them a little more attention and got more involved, we might be able to prevent breakups like this from happening. Eventually, we could make things nice enough that we might even be able to stop using wiretaps, so we wouldn't have to shit all over the constitution."

However, no one is more adamant about the necessity of shitting all over the Constitution than the President himself.

"Listen, no one wants to shit on the Constitution," said President Bush while enjoying something scrumptious. "But when you got Arabs out there who want you dead -- dead, I said -- you have to take steps to poop all over it. It's the only way to stay safe. I swear to Jesus Christ."

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