Presidential Debates Inform Public About Difference In Candidates' Height, Posture, Tie Color

The first debate between presidential nominees George W. Bush and John Kerry, held this past Thursday, revealed to the American public the differences between the candidates' height, hair color, stance, and other factors cited as "important to voting" by the majority of Americans.

The debate, the first in a series that will examine the mannerisms, facial expressions, and cadence of each nominee, determined that, among other things, Bush is 5'-11", while Kerry stands an imposing 6'-4" -- a fact that did not go unnoticed by many viewers.

"Kerry sounded much more comfortable and is a lot taller," said bartender Mike Warren. "He's definitely going to get my vote."

Warren elaborated, "I mean, when a president goes in to meet with Kofi Annan, Tony Blair, and other world leaders, he'd better be able to look down on them, both intellectually and physically."

The topic of homeland security was hotly contested between the two, which gave audiences the opportunity to witness the candidates' fundamental differences in policy and facial expressions while speaking.

"I just can't stand to look at Bush," said copywriter Janine Peckham, 26. "All of those political cartoons actually make him look better than he does in real life, and seeing him up there against Kerry – is there really any need for them to actually debate issues? I know which of them is getting my vote, and I'll give you a clue: tall, dark and handsome."

Adding flirtatiously while playing with her hair, Peckham laughed, "I would ride his swift boat – tell you that much."

By contrast, Peckham's friend, Gloria Florence, said Bush's facial expressions really won him the debate for her.

"John Kerry is up there looking like some kind of monster brought to life," she complained. "Bush, meanwhile, looks like a cute little monkey that's mad at his mean old trainer. That's really an election-clincher for me."

Critics and political analysts, meanwhile, are leaning towards Kerry as the "winner" of the debate, agreeing that Bush repeated himself more than Kerry.

"Kerry totally won that debate, because he only mentioned that whole thing about how, at current pace, it would take 13 years to achieve nuclear proliferation four or five times," said University of Miami student newspaper editor James Biggs. "Bush, on the other hand, must've said ‘the world is a better place without Saddam Hussein' upwards of 10 or 11 throughout those 90 minutes. Just like relationships that get old, Americans need something new, GW!"

Further debates will be held regarding the economy and other social issues, and Americans will be watching closely for either candidate to flip-flop tie colors, have badly-groomed hair, or to find that one of them has a big piece of steak stuck in their teeth.

"That John Kerry better watch it, because I'm on to the types of shoes he often wears," said Ohio resident Arnold Manning. "If he starts switching them up, I'll know to vote Bush. If that guy is as steady with his foreign policy as he is with his footwear, he's as good as gold, as far as I'm concerned."

When questioned as to his shoe choice, Bush affirmed his consistency.

"Climbing mountains, shuffling through the desert, walking through the city -- I consider these dress shoes perfect for all of them," Bush said confidently. "Sure, sometimes the different terrain hurts me, but even if I knew beforehand the kind of ground I'd be encountering, darn it, I'd still wear these same shoes."

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