Bush Beginning To 'Act Out' In His Final Months As President

With most public attention focused on the upcoming presidential election in November and away from the White House, reports from various sources are beginning to surface of President Bush becoming "somewhat of a nuisance" in the final months of his term.

One such report comes from Congressman John Sarbanes of Maryland, who recounted, "I was at the podium, Congress was in session, and all of the sudden the doors burst open, and there's the President. He strutted down the aisle shaking hands with everyone, asking if 'you guys are alright' or if 'anyone needed anything'. I had to tell him we were getting ready to make a serious vote on labor laws, to which he apologized and said he would 'just hang in the back, if that was okay'."

Sarbanes added that Bush continued to distract the session even after sitting down when he pulled out "one of those paddles with a rubber ball attached" and began incessantly bouncing it.

The President eventually walked out when he was asked to move by the Congressman whose seat he had taken; he did so angrily, muttering under his breath and slamming the doors loudly behind him.

This is not the first report of its kind. In the last month, there have instances of Bush jumping out from behind doors and shouting "Boooo!" in feeble attempts to frighten White House tours, pebbles being thrown at secret service agents from Oval Office windows, and a strange howling coming from the White House bedroom quarters late at night.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates has also noticed changes in the President's behavior as of late.

"I'll receive vague calls from the President at odd hours," Gates told reporters. "Just last week he called and asked about the logistics of a full scale invasion of Iceland. Sometimes he'll just ask for the launch codes and hang up. This, of course, prompts me and my staff to have a meeting with him the next day asking for specifics on his questioning, to which he invariably will look at the floor, shove his hands in his pockets and mumble that he was 'just curious'."

Reports have also come from foreign leaders stating they have received prank phone calls from within the White House. Kim Jong-il of North Korea complained last week of someone calling from the White House and asking him "How pyong is your yang?", before giggling uncontrollably and hanging up.

A clearly concerned Gates added that he hopes Bush can be kept under control until February of 2009 before his antics provoke an international incident, or even a war.

"Thank God we already invaded Iraq," Gates said, "because the President keeps demanding that we do. Hopefully he won't move on to nation that we're not currently occupying."

Perhaps most disturbing was a report from New York regarding someone resembling a "disheveled and inebriated" George W. Bush at ground zero. Witnesses say the man was sitting on a curb, dressed in a torn suit and fire helmet. He was apparently weeping uncontrollably with his head between his legs, a bottle of Jack Daniels on one side of him, occasionally bawling through a bullhorn, "You bastards! It was Earth all along!"

Eventually, a caravan of black SUVs came and the man was quickly whisked away.

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