McCain Shadowed Again By Animatronic Womanoid During Campaign Speech
John McCain was followed out to the podium again today by what witnesses describe as an "uninvited, woman-like droid" during a campaign speech in Ohio.
McCain spoke softly and asked that no one make any sudden movements or loud noises which might set the android off.
"For your own safety and mine, my friends," McCain whispered nervously, "everyone please turn around slowly and make your way toward the exits."
Sightings of this "Woman-a-tron" have increased steadily throughout the primary season; the cyborg will sometimes appear during the middle of a speech, sidle up to within one foot of McCain, and stare directly at him without blinking or moving until the speech is finished. The phenomenon is beginning to make McCain and his supporters ill at ease.
"It's off-putting, to say the least," said McCain, a far-off look in his eyes that suggests the face of a man recalling atrocities not ever fully forgotten. "Everything will be going along fine, and then an eerie hush fills the room. I become slowly aware that the crowd is staring not at me, but just off to my left. That's when I know...she's arrived."
If freaking out the Republican presidential nominee is indeed her motivation, the robot is succeeding at that task in spades.
"The public only sees her at the speeches," McCain explained, looking suspiciously over his shoulder. "I see her everywhere. I'll wake up in the middle of the night with her standing at the edge of my bed, glaring at me. I'll be eating a banana at breakfast and her head's an inch a way from me with those steely, blue eyes. Going to the bathroom has become a humiliating prospect, and that's something I have to endure upwards of 15 times a day."
Analysts have suggested that if the McCain camp doesn't get the android under control, it could spell disaster for their presidential bid, an assessment that some campaign staffers grimly agree with.
"We've attempted several times to minimize her exposure," said Rick Davis, McCain's campaign supervisor. "We tried throwing a sheet over her in Toledo, but she simply burned eye holes through the fabric with her optical lasers. It looked like McCain was being flanked by a Ku Klux Klan member for the rest of the speech."
"At this point, if McCain is elected president, he'll be taking a mysterious, unfeeling robot to the nation's capitol with him," said Davis. "We're basically saying to America that the person answering the phone at 3AM in the White House might not be a person at all, but a deadly, unstoppable android with possible aspirations of world domination. That's a tough, tough sell."
For now, the senator's security detail has enacted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to the fembot.
"She gets the drop on us every time, and when a deadly humanoid is that close to a presidential candidate, it's best to just play it cool," said Eric Klein, McCain's head of security. "Besides, if we were to say, take off her arm or leg, you can tell there'd be some pretty serious Terminator 2 [Judgment Day]-style regeneration, rendering our efforts moot."
