Obama's Temper Finally Broken By Daughter's Glass Of Spilled Juice

Pictured: the spilled juice that sent Obama over the edge.

Sources inside the White House say that President Barack Obama, infamous for his cool temper, finally "flipped out" yesterday when his eight-year-old daughter Sasha spilled a glass of grape juice all over the living room floor.

"God damnit, Sasha," Obama reportedly shouted, abruptly standing up from his easy chair and throwing down his newspaper in anger. "Watch what you're doing once in a god damn while."

Obama's wife Michelle then chided the President for what she viewed as an unnecessarily harsh response, to which Obama snapped, "Oh, shut the hell up, Michelle. Why don't you go bitch to Fox News about it?"

The President then muttered that he needed some scotch, and disappeared into the White House basement to listen to The Edgar Winter Group's "Frankenstein" at a volume that could be heard throughout most of the West Wing.

In the wake of the Gulf Coast oil disaster, some have criticized President Obama for his restrained, measured response, arguing that if only he yelled at everyone, the oil would dissipate.

"I want a President that takes charge," complained conservative commentator Bill O' Reilly last week. "Things would be a lot better right now if Obama would just take the stage at a press conference and scream, 'FUCKING THING SUCKS.'"

In a blog post on June 1st, former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin pointed out, "If President Obama and other liberals want to drill for oil so bad, they should at least man up to the consequences. It's like I've always said: 'Solar energy, baby, solar energy.'"

Now, it appears that constant critiques like these have forced Obama to lose his cool, albeit with his clumsy daughter instead of BP, the corporation responsible for the spill.

For her part, Sasha Obama has volunteered to assume all costs involved in cleaning up the spill, although critics say that the allowance money she would use ultimately comes from the American taxpayers anyway. A member of the White House cleaning staff has estimated the bill at over $3; Sasha Obama has disputed that amount and is offering a $0.25 payout.

With Obama displaying an angry streak, will critics of his temperament now be silent? Not likely, says Bill O' Reilly, who believes that Obama has a lot to learn about anger management.

"You can't just go around yelling at people when things don't go your way," said O'Reilly. "Only an immature baby would do that."

"If President Obama and other liberals want to fly off the handle all the time, they should at least apologize for it," wrote Sarah Palin on Facebook. "It's like I've always said: 'Calm, rational discussions, baby. Calm, rational discussions.'"

Sources say Obama ended up falling asleep in the basement, and emerged this morning for breakfast. He appeared to be back to his old self; although he initially told Sasha she was punished and forbidden to spill any more juice, her lobbying and complaining convinced him to strike a compromise that allows her to spill some juice sometimes.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: