First Guantanamo Bay Detainee Brought To US; Promptly Escapes And Kills 5,600 In 'Hellish Flames'

Pictured: what Ghailani did.

What began as the normal transportation of a Guantanamo Bay detainee to the United States ended in chaos and destruction today, as prisoner Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani easily escaped custody and leveled 15 New York City blocks, killing and injuring over 30,000 people.

Authorities say Ghailani used a combination of terrorist training and telekinetic powers to unleash a wave of supervillainy on New York.

"We knew those Guantanamo bastards were supercriminals, but how can any city defend against a terrorist who can levitate 100 feet in the air, and shoot fireballs out of nowhere?" said New York City Police Department commissioner Raymond Kelly, pounding his fists in frustration. "The worst that we all feared is now happening. God help this nation now."

Kelly referenced the fact that many politicians and American citizens have long been concerned that bringing detainees from Guantanamo to American soil could have dire consequences. Ghailani himself acknowledged their concerns, laughing as he summoned a large dragon demon named Kluulorth from the Hudson River.

"Only that wretched super prison Guantanamo could hold me," Ghailani hissed, after clarifying that he now wants to be called Doctor Natas. "Now that I'm out of there, my powers have only grown exponentially."

"You fools," he added, giggling. "You unbelievable fools."

Shortly after his escape, Dr. Natas teleported to various neighborhoods around the country, alarming citizens by literally being right in their backyards.

President Barack Obama called a press conference to address the situation, but he didn't get far before being disintegrated by a blast from Dr. Natas' eye lasers.

"This is what I get, America," Obama sobbed as he faded away from existence. "This is what I get for wanting to close the only prison we had that was able to hooollldd...hiiiimmm..."

In a recent Associated Press poll, most Americans agreed, saying Obama's belief that the Guantanamo Bay prisoners could be tried and placed into supermax prisons throughout the country was "naive".

"Yes, our prisons currently hold some of the world's most violent and brutal criminals," admitted Kathy Blovitz, president of the Iowa chapter of the organization Keep Them Away From Me, "but when was the last time you saw a normal criminal shoot a freeze ray out of his genitalia?"

Blovitz says that super-terrorists like Dr. Natas and some of his Guantanamo Bay cohorts, including Captain Gold and Giganta, have the potential to do untold damage to the country, even by merely entering its borders.

"I don't know what it was about Guantanamo that held them," she said, "but it did. I guess it may have been the indefinite imprisonment, or the lack of charges, or the large floating ring of power around the entire island that prevents any of the prisoners from exploding or teleporting their way out."

The future of Guantanamo Bay and its prisoners is unknown. The U.S. has tried to encourage other countries to accept some of them, but as of press time, most were looking down at the ground and whistling uncomfortably.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: