Some Parents Fear Obama's Speech To Students Is Excuse To Have Sex With Them
Many conservatives have expressed outrage at President Obama's plan to broadcast a speech to children at public schools, complaining that his ulterior motive is obviously to indoctrinate the youngsters with sensual ideas, then engage in disgusting, illegal intercourse with them.
Outraged parents say that this is the last straw in what they perceive as a long line of terrible transgressions committed by the President, including his false birth certificate and fancy talkin'.
"Oh my God, my boys," bawled one Kansas woman, clutching her four children to her chest as she simultaneously vomited and defecated in terror. "How could our President want to have sex with my boys?"
"HRRRNNGGHHH," grunted her husband, pounding his fist against his spasming heart as he imagined the President's soft-yet-firm hands caressing his sons' faces. "HRRNNTTT." His wife shrieked and began bucking wildly about the room, leaving bloody dents in the wall as she furiously smashed her head into it.
An autopsy would later confirm that the man died of a simultaneous heart attack and brain embolism. Texas authorities are now considering charging Obama with murder.
Although Obama claims that he will simply tell students to work hard and stay in school, citizens like Texas resident Matt Curtiss -- who unfortunately misspelled his own last name at birth -- say such an outlandish-sounding speech could only be a cover for sweet serenading interspersed with pictures of hardcore fetish pornography.
"What the hell President has ever told our kids to stay in school? That's ridiculous bullshit," he spat. "I'll tell you what Obama will show during his little speech: a woman urinating on an American flag, with extreme close-ups of the urine."
"How could we ever allow our President to speak to our children?" Curtiss asked, with tears of frustration in his eyes. "What were those Washington idiots thinking?"
Former President George H.W. Bush also made a speech directly to school students that was broadcast live. However, critics say Obama's is different, because he intends to date rape the children after talking to them, while Bush merely bored and slightly frightened everyone.
Conservatives do disagree over how many students the President will attempt to bed. Some believe it will only be those in Republican-leaning states, while others are afraid that Obama has the power to visit all the nation's children in a single night, like some sort of rapist Santa Claus.
"Obama intends to use taxpayer dollars to build a high-speed rail system to enable him to travel across the nation at supersonic speeds, having intercourse with our sons and daughters at every stop," reported Rush Limbaugh on Wednesday. "This is exactly what's wrong with liberals today."
Limbaugh added that he was also concerned about Obama's speech including a 30 second instruction to instantly convert the nation's children into socialists, but added that this was a given.
Reports from the Department of Education also indicate that Obama will appear in new editions of history textbooks this year, much to the consternation of some Republicans, who say pages on his illegitimate presidency should be blacked out and replaced with a large block of text that says "NOTHING HAPPENED" over and over again.
"It's a god damn good thing that so few schools have the money to order new textbooks," said Matt Curtiss. "First, because they won't be exposed to that bastard Barack Hussein Obama when they try to read, and second, because the state should not be paying for anything for our children."
The Enduring Vision has confirmed that Obama's middle name is Hussein.
