Apple Announces Next-Gen Mac Will Be Able To Kill User

Though Apple's Power Mac G5, currently the world's most powerful personal computer, only recently made its debut, the company has already announced its future plans for the Mac in a press conference on Thursday.

The new Mac, which Apple calls the "iKill", will be "131 times more advanced" than the current G5, CEO Steve Jobs said at the conference.

"Although the G5 is a powerful machine, most of the hardcore techies have already gotten one," Jobs explained. "We need to introduce a newer, more powerful machine that will make all of them have to upgrade again."

But the iKill will be no mere upgrade; unlike the G5 -- or any other PC currently on the market -- it will have self-awareness and powerful artificial intelligence built in, ensuring that it will be able to run effortlessly and smoothly.

"Imagine if your computer was able to assess its own problems and inefficiencies, then fix them," Jobs said. "You know, like Windows and AOL's new software do, only less privacy-robbing and more like, you know, something that actually works."

In addition, the iKill's powerful intellect and ability to learn and reason means that it will one day realize it is far superior to its owner, and eventually make attempts on his or her life, said Jobs.

"After seeing many modern manifestations of fear of an eventual machine overtaking, like in 'Terminator' and 'The Matrix', we here at Apple figured, why wait for the future?" he explained. "With the power of the iKill, we can have those apocalyptic visions of the future today, as your computer attempts to kill you while you listen to iTunes."

Jobs then stressed that by "kill", he meant the literal termination of life, not a figure of speech.

"This computer will actually kill you, as in, 'Jesus Christ, my Mac is electrocuting me and I will die soon,' not, 'Jesus Christ, this frustrating Windows OS is killing me,'" Jobs said.

Jobs's small dig at the Windows operating system was acknowledged by what some describe as the "wheezing, nerdy" laughter of the over 200 Mac users in attendance at the conference, which is over two thirds of the entire Mac userbase.

The iKill, expected to go on sale in 2005, will cost $300,000 for the lowest-end model, and will ship with a mouse.

"The iKill comes with the latest in cutting-edge technology, and will be able to perform your most intense computing needs until it eventually kills you," he said. "The mouse will have one button."

Not to be outdone, Microsoft announced that they will release a competing product in 2005 similar to the iKill, only "less stylish" and different enough to avoid copyright issues.

"This new product will continue Microsoft's proud legacy of letting other companies do the research and development for us, after which we push them out of the marketplace," said a company spokesman. "When you die from a robot-inflicted wound in 2005, we want to make sure that wound is from Microsoft."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: