iPod Nano Missing, Feared Eaten

DePaul University student Trent Boswell has reported that his wafer-thin iPod nano player has gone missing and was last seen in a bowl of chips. While the 2GB mp3 player's whereabouts remain unknown, Boswell is fearing the worst, thinking that it may have been eaten during Sunday afternoon football viewing.

"The worst part about it is just not knowing," said Boswell. "If I knew that [roommate] Bob [Peterson] had swallowed it while watching the Bears game, then I could put it to rest, or if [roommate Jim] Jackson had accidentally dropped it into his beer then I could ask him to retrieve it for me, but there are no answers, and no one seems to know a thing, and I had so many kickass songs on that thing."

When asked to clarify which songs, Jackson sheepishly admitted that he had only a few songs loaded onto the unit, but quickly added that "it looked cool".

An exhaustive search of the roommates' pockets and intestinal systems has yielded more questions than answers. Accounts vary, but most on the scene remember seeing the new music device situated dangerously near a bowl of Jay's potato chips, laid out to complement the cold pizza and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer on the table. Some have even suggested that the iPod was inside the bowl of chips at the same time Peterson was seen eating handfuls of the salted snacks.

"Given the new iPod’s size, weight and consistency, it is conceivable that it got mixed up in a bag of Jay's and quite simply got eaten and digested in the heat of the moment," said friend and visitor Don Richards. "It just seems strange that no one would have noticed an extra 'crunch' to the chips, but after exhausting our search of the couch cushions, Jim’s weed stash and underneath the remote, we can’t figure out where else it could have gone."

Sources say that this is not the first time that Boswell has lost a small, electronic device under unusual circumstances. He maintains that his mini-digital camera is still somewhere between his ex-girlfriend's breasts after an aborted attempt to figure out how to take a picture with it, though his suspicion was never confirmed.

"She's not into ex-sex, so how am I supposed to know for sure?" lamented the technologically bereaved Boswell.

A record number of small items has gone missing in the past year, research shows. Experts are unsure as to what is causing the number of missing cell phones, cameras and music devices to skyrocket, but as a precaution are advising citizens not to wear pants with silk-lined pockets when riding in taxis or rollercoasters.

Boswell's case still lacks any leads, and Boswell has admitted that he is now considering going back to his portable CD player, which he has back at home, "locked up with all my Dad’s old records and stuff in the attic," he said.

Though the search for the infinitesimal device remains fruitless, some unexpected discoveries were made, such as a portion of a frozen pizza from August, Peterson's lost copy of the Beastie Boys' "Hello Nasty", and also Jackson’s English 301 take-home exam.

Boswell is asking anyone with information leading to the recovery of the mp3 player to come forward and is offering the reward of a choice of whatever cold beer he still has in the fridge, but acknowledges that chances of recovery are slim, and that it may be best to move on.

"I've got some money saved that I was going to buy some new music with, but I saw these cube music players the other day that are like, an inch big," he said, demonstrating by putting his thumb and forefinger approximately 1/4 of an inch apart. "That's so small!"

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