Researchers Find Average Minds More Apt To Think Alike Than Great Minds

In stark contrast to countless years of the commonly accepted adage, scientists and research professionals have concluded that great minds are less likely to think alike than are minds of average intellect and ability.

The findings have sent a shock through the mainstream that had been confident, despite their pedantic and unremarkable opinions, appearance and lives, that being likeminded somehow equated to a state of greatness.

"This may come as a surprise to everyone, but it has been empirically proven that great minds are significantly less likely to be thinking the same thoughts as the 90% of the population that are fixated upon the same five or ten TV shows, sports, musicians, celebrity scandals and beer companies," said research expert Carnell Brookston at Indiana University, who agreed with the breakthrough. "Despite decades of misconception, it is now clear that 9 out of 10 common minds are more likely to be simultaneously thinking, 'Mmm, Bud Light' on any given day than any two excellent minds to have concurrently similar ideas."

Believers in the maxim "great minds think alike" expressed disappointment that the banal cliché applies better to banal minds than it does to the "great" ones it claims.

"I don’t believe [the findings], because the first thought that went through my mind when I found out that [best friend] Krissy [Walker] has the exact same pink Coach purse I just bought was, 'God, we must have great minds 'cause we totally think alike!'" said Lincoln Park resident Cassie Vasser. "And what's even more awesome is that we totally bought them to match the shoes we bought last week when we were out shopping together. That's just not something that happens to anyone."

"I'm going to have to go ahead and disagree with science on this one," said one Fox News commentator with a frown. "Great minds do think alike, and Pluto is still a planet."

Experts concede that conventional wisdom is a hard nut to crack, and that their discovery is likely to fall on deaf ears and mediocre minds. Reversing years of the accepted axiom will be exceedingly difficult given that the average mind tends to think of itself as "greater" than the common mind.

"How can we expect the public to come to grips with these findings when many Americans still think that there are weapons of mass destructions in Iraq?" asked William Gibson, professor of psychology at the University of Chicago. "As it turns out, conventional wisdom is neither conventional or wisdom."

The findings stand to send shockwaves through the average community, who for years have been associating having similar briefcases, shoes or favorite pro wrestlers with greatness. Conversely, great minds have been mostly unmoved by the news, stating that they've known it to be true for years.

"The proof that our conclusions are correct is that while all ungreat minds were thinking that they were so wonderful merely by thinking in parallel, my great and salient mind discovered the opposite to be true," said director of research doctor Reuben Thomas, who co-authored the dissertation with no one, he pointed out.

Thomas pointed to the state of American democracy as the greatest evidence that great minds, in fact, do not think alike, and then excused himself from the interview prematurely to go clean his elephant gun.

Supporters of Thomas' findings applaud what they see as a necessary step towards knocking the normal citizen off his or her pedestal and putting them in their rightful place, which was described by Thomas as, "somewhere down there."

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