Savvy Visual Aid Helps Pre-Teen Mothers Avoid Throwing Babies Away

Pictured: a helpful diagram.

The worrisome outbreak of pre-pubescent mothers disposing of their "preemies" in public trash receptacles has come to a halt and is predicted to never happen again -- at least in Riverside County, CA, where city officials have posted ingenious instructional signs in and around local bus stops and quickie marts.

Although children appear to be cute, cuddly, and in need of food every so often, there has been a trend lately of young mothers becoming confused about how to best care for their young, and placing them in waste cans in an apparent show of misguided affection.

But with new signs discouraging such behavior, county officials say that even though mothers may not be old enough to see over the hospital counter, they can see a sign that indicates that they should slide their newborn infants across the top of it, rather than into the trash.

"Young girls may have trouble knowing what to do with their unexpected blessings, but fortunately, we live in an era advanced enough to be able to print up a couple of signs," said one county spokesperson.

State officials spent millions of dollars working with world-renowned pediatricians and psychologists, looking for an intricate, detailed solution to the wastefulness of baby disposal. That's when they came up with the keen visual aid that's single-handedly been derailing would-be baby thrower-outers all over town.

Dr. Dean Van Dell, a doctor, carefully explains why the sign works so well.

"You see, on the one hand, there is a person tossing a kid casually in the dumpster. That picture has a red circle around it with a line through it, which means 'don't do that,'" he says. "And then there's the other picture, which is what we want young mothers to do, which depicts the mother handing over the kid and filling out shitloads of paperwork. That's what we do want. We want that."

Belle Baseman, a 7th grader who threw her baby out because it had a butt-chin, was completely taken by surprise to discover that there actually are other options available to her after she gives birth to her next illegitimate child.

"Wow. If I just would've seen that sign, I would have totally gone through the proper channels of surrendering my child safely, rather than letting it suffocate to death under a pile of old McDonald's hamburger wrappers. I'll sure remember that for next time," the single mother of none vows, admitting that the bag of fast food also belonged to her.

Baseman's mother, who makes regular visits to her daughter at the local prison, says she's glad about her daughter's change of heart, although she wasn't too disapproving of her initial maternal dumpster instinct either. "It was irresponsible, but I can't tell you how glad I am that she didn't just have the kid and then lop the kid off on me. That would've sucked."

Shaina Croon, a 17-year-old who claims she hadn't even known she was pregnant with twins even though two pregnancy tests came back positive, denies having realized that she'd missed nine consecutive periods or been overheard inviting others to "feel it kick."

"I was taken completely unaware when I began having stomach pains at the prom," she says. "Thinking back on it, I really feel bad for the school janitor. If only that instructional aid had been posted somewhere nearby -- it may have really made me weigh my options."

The signage is not without its critics; Dayna Melton, an anthropologist, says that she sees nothing overly concerning about the practice of throwing out your kid and hoping no one notices.

"These infants are getting off easy. Many species actually eat their young."

Betty Jean Pearl, a television show host for QVC, wonders why more mothers don't just sell their babies.

"Hello, people! We're talking genuine American babies here! I can't tell you how many royal families from the United Arab Emirates have called our producers with their stories, pleading for a small child to make their own," she says. "Sure, the innocent infants are made into camel jockeys and will probably only survive one turn around the bend, which is a completely disgusting practice in and of itself, but at least these kids would have gotten to do something with their lives before they died!"

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