Scientists Marvel At Abundance Of Life In Local Man's Inhospitable Apartment

Area scientists have released a study to National Geographic Magazine detailing the miraculous abundance of life that has somehow managed to survive and thrive in local man Joe Domaskivi's apartment.

The second-floor residence, which receives neither adequate sunlight nor fresh air, has conditions so inhospitable, researchers say, that the mere fact that plant and animal has found a way to survive and thrive is a testament to nature's tenacity.

"Most of the flora we discovered were of the moss and lichen variety," said botanist Dale Greenberg of the University of Chicago. "However, given the harsh conditions they face daily, it is truly impressive that life has managed to take hold."

Anthropologists have identified only one species of man to be able to adapt to such conditions, calling it Homo Domaskivus. Scientists believe, however, that the scarcity of human presence or interference of the fragile biocenosis may be the major factor in the ability of such life forms to endure.

"Only by the complete lack of visitors or virtually any movement on the part of Mr. Domaskivi can this life really thrive," said Greenberg. "If he would've gotten up to try and grab the remote after he dropped it, he would've destroyed a fragile ecosystem, but fortunately he remains sensitive to the environmental miracle within his apartment."

Greenberg stated further that though various molds, mosses and other sporogonium make up the majority of the apartment's foliage population, some deciduous plants have sprouted as well. Concentrated in and around the disposal, which Greenberg refers to as "The Fertile Zone", some seed-bearing plants were discovered.

"Though congealed Ramen noodles, coffee grounds and week-old sweet and sour pork hardly constitute a fount of nutrients," marveled Greenberg, "it has somehow generated a new species of leafing flora that appears to be a green bean, cauliflower and cannabis hybrid. I've never seen anything like it, and it appears to have a built-in defense mechanism wherein it emits a truly horrendous smell from its base to keep predators away. Truly amazing."

Some of the area's leading zoologists are equally stunned at the sheer variety and quantity of insecta and rodentia that inhabit the uninviting biozone.

"So far we have identified at least thirty different varieties of millipedes, centipedes, moths, flies, and roaches within the apartment, as well as many unidentifiable forms of larvae," said biologist Kendra Solgram of Northwestern University. "I say 'unidentifiable' on account of the cheese on which the larvae were gestating required observatory facilities and safety measures that the scientific community does not currently possess."

Curiously, no female equivalents of the lone humanoid inhabitant have ever been discovered within or even passing through the confined region. Despite crude photographs and images of female homo sapiens dotting the landscape of the apartment, no living female inhabitants or any evidence of past visitation could be found.

"It is a true mystery as to how a creature could perpetuate itself this long neither with reproducing or even getting laid," said anthropologist Herman Broover. "We have not even found evidence that the inhabitant of this region has made any attempt to lure female counterparts into his lair, neither by scrubbing the toilet, removing the spaghetti from the bathroom sink, or donning any sort of plumage during normal courting rituals. This creature is a genuine enigma."

While anthropologists scratch their heads, archeologists remain amazed at the sophistication of paper and digital images of females that have been found throughout, suggesting that the inhabitant has, at one time or another, ventured out of its confined environment. It is possible, say experts, that instead of creating the images himself that Homo Domaskivus managed to grasp the concept of monetary transactions, as means to procuring such art.

The ability of the animal and plant communities to function and reproduce in such mass quantities in places so adverse to human survival has the scientific community starry-eyed with excitement.

"It's like a one-bedroom rainforest," said Solgram, "teeming with life in the most unexpected of places. I will be entering this into my next dissertation as to possible solutions to the ever-increasing depletion of the Amazon and other rainforests."

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