Updates Ready For Computer

Philadelphia, PA resident Grant Heller was stunned to discover this evening that updates were available for his computer, which is currently running Windows XP.

The entire update, which consisted of nine patches designed to fix security flaws in the operating system, was delivered to Heller's computer clandestinely as he played Solitaire.

"This is nothing short of amazing," he marveled. "Look at that little box -- it even says, 'Updates are ready for your computer.' How do they know it's mine?"

"What a world," he added, shaking his head in amazement. "What a world we live in."

Heller proceeded to install the updates with relish, feeling empowered and privileged to be a part of a society where he could do such a thing.

"The updates really didn't affect anything I could see," he admitted, "but I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel safer."

Moreover, the updates gave Heller a sense of relief after a long day of hardships at work and in "the non-computer world".

"There's just something reassuring about a guy coming home to find some nice Windows updates waiting for him," he said. "It really just makes the rest of the day's troubles seem like a bad dream. I really don't know what people did to feel better before Windows Updates, but I'm sure it wasn't nearly as satisfying."

Heller also called family and friends to tell them the good news.

"Grant hasn't called me in ages, so it was nice to finally hear his voice and to have something to talk about," said his grateful mother. "I just couldn't believe it when he told me about these updates coming right to him. What a successful young man he's become!"

The updated citizen even managed to get his self-described "non-tech-savvy" mother interested in a computer of her own.

"I usually just walk down to the library every now and then to use the Internet for a few minutes, but I had no idea I was missing out on updates this whole time," she said. "When you get to be my age, though, I guess that's what ends up happening: the world updates without you."

Heller plans to record the event in his journal -- partially as a good memory, but also to see if he can expect another update in a given time frame.

"Maybe they come monthly, so I'd better be sure to mark this day down, so that next month I can prepare a little more," he said excitedly. "Buy a few snacks, get a comfy chair -- this is something you can get even more enjoyment out of if you're all set up. I mean, the Super Bowl is always fun, but it's even more fun if you've had a few and you can't get up because there's a huge mass of mini hot dogs and chips in your stomach."

Unfortunately, when reached for comment, Microsoft said it could not commit to a time schedule for future updates. The firm did say, however, that more were on the way at some point.

"We're thrilled that our many security holes can give people like Mr. Heller something to look forward to in their lives," said a company spokesman, "and we're confident that a new hole will be uncovered soon enough."

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