Apple Posts Record Revenue; Fans, Shareholders Demand iPhasers, iWarpDrives

Pictured: an Apple fan lets his voice be heard.

Popular technology company Apple recently announced that it posted record revenue in the first quarter of fiscal year 2009, encouraging shareholders and Apple enthusiasts to demand that the company use its $1.61 billion in profits on making new gadgets, including light sabers, interstellar space travel craft, and iPhones that can record video.

The company's followers, known for their ability to make fun of nerds who own PCs and wear glasses because they're nerds, used Internet forums to describe their new product requests to the company in excruciating detail.

"Time to give something back to the professional users, Apple," wrote user MacMillian&Wife. "We've all supported you through thick and thin, and now, you can give us what we really want: a transportation device capable of deconstructing matter on a subatomic level and reconstituting it thousands of miles away."

Other posters took a similar tone, arguing that the company owes them something in return for buying its products.

"Remember the PowerBook 5300 [laptop computer], Apple?" asked another forum poster. "I sure do. The logic board died, and I had to send it back to you. You fixed it, but it was annoying, and I've always thought about that incident every year since, whenever I am on your website buying your cool stuff. In conclusion, you owe it to me to develop some sort of cyborg bodyguard."

Though some users acknowledge their hard to please nature, they say they only have the best interests of the company in mind.

"Apple is doing well now, sure, but only because they're making a bunch of high-gloss crap that all the prosumers love," explained user AMacADay. "Eventually, that well is going to run dry, and then who will be left to buy their expensive new MacMac? long as they make it."

He went on to clarify that a "MacMac" would be a product that allows a user to simulate working on a Macintosh computer as they work on another Macintosh computer.

Other product suggestions discussed ran the gamut from doorknobs that could wirelessly connect to the internet to a type of laser beam that would defend a Macintosh owner against "mean Windows users".

Apple fans say the concern about potentially spiteful owners of Windows is more serious than ever now; as Apple announced its best quarter yet, Microsoft announced job cuts. But Microsoft chief executive officer Steve Ballmer says there's nothing for his company to be jealous about.

"Apple might be picking up a few extra dollars here and there, but people still love Microsoft and Windows," he said. "We expect some great sales figures of our own when we eventually release Windows 7."

When asked about his feelings on the negative reception of Windows Vista, Ballmer stared blankly, saying, "I have no idea what you're talking about. There is no such product."

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