Paleontologists Make Rare Discovery That Will Finally Get Them Laid
A team of paleontologists from the University of Michigan made a stunning discovery last week in India, remarkable in both its scientific importance and its rare guarantee to get them laid.
Scientists believe the find -- a fossilized nest of dinosaur eggs beset by a 12-foot long predatory snake, which had wrapped itself around the egg of a hatching sauropod -- is so cool that anyone connected to it is almost guaranteed a little action for once.
"This is the once-in-a-lifetime find you always hope to encounter, but don't believe is even possible," said U of M paleontologist Fred Wilber. "Usually, we just toil for hours, days and weeks in the dirt only to find absolutely nothing, and we're left having to talk about carbon dating when we hit the bars, or at best getting together before global warming makes fossils of us all. Now, we have the paleontological equivalent of Spanish Fly."
The power of the find has even enabled scientists to capture the attention of hot chicks who normally give shit-all about fossils, in addition to having their pick of the litter of dinosaur groupies.
"This is exceptional in its potential for unlocking heretofore inaccessible conversation fodder to those in our profession," said Vijay Sajnah of India's Geological Survey, who initially unearthed the site. "I predict that our discovery here will advance not only our knowledge of the predatory habits of late-Cretaceous Period carnivores, but my chances of getting some tonight."
Though additional laboratory analysis is required to fully understand the 67 million year-old scene, and also to maximize the lab-snatch the research team will get, the discovery has already been lauded as "totally cool" by the female paleontological community and beyond.
Even as the researchers rush to complete their submittals to various scientific journals, the find has stirred the feminine wiles of both dinosaur fanatics and casual fans everywhere, who now admit to looking at their favorite paleontologists in a different, naughty way.
"Class with Dr. Wilber has always been interesting, but this changes everything," said University of Michigan junior Lisa Borman of her second-level prehistoric biology professor. "It's like he's become an Indiana Jones that hunts dinosaurs instead of Nazis or something."
"I have some fossils he can unearth," added Borman's friend and classmate Joanna Toath.
Those who are merely involved in the field of paleontology itself, and not the specific discovery, may even reap some benefits. Said graduate University of Michigan graduate student Bruce Iver, "Since the research team has come back from India, I've been up to my ears in what my colleagues and I call 'Jurassic Pussy'."
