Acid Swimming To Be Added To 2004 Olympics

A press release out of Athens, Greece, the site of this year's Olympic games, revealed a surprise new event that will make its debut in a little over 50 days when the Olympics officially begin -- a "grueling, limit-stressing" event known as Acid Swimming.

In the press release, Jane Schwartzman of the Olympic Committee explained that the event is designed to "further test the limits of human endurance", as well as raise interest in the Olympics, which has been waning in recent years.

"Let's face it: with terrorist attacks, beheadings, and a war going on, nobody is going to give much of a damn to see the same old god damned figure skating that they see every year," Schwartzman said. "With this new event, we hope to re-ignite interest in the Olympics, as well as maintain the games' proud tradition of continuing to show humans in their finest physical glory."

The new event is the result of "years of planning," Schwartzman said, and will feature a three-lap race around an Olympic-sized pool filled with hundreds of gallons of sulfuric acid.

"Swimmers will not only have to train to build up their muscles to handle the fast swimming -- they'll want the extra muscle mass so they have more skin and tissue to burn away before the acid reaches their bones," the press release describes. "This is because performers who finish missing one or more limbs will be disqualified. Also, losing bones hurts a great deal, and is generally just an unpleasant experience to go through."

In keeping with standard Olympic guidelines, no steroid use will be tolerated in the event. However, due to the acid, additional guidelines must also be implemented.

"If any contestant is found to secretly be wearing a suit of armor, or even fake, acid-resistant skin over their actual skin, they will be disqualified immediately," Schwartzman said. "This event is designed to test the human body's tolerance for sulfuric acid, not some synthetic material."

Those doubting the viability of the new event will be happy to hear that the Olympic Committee has already tested Acid Swimming in several mock events -- reportedly with "great success."

A swimmer in acid
Above: A mock-up broadcast of the event.

"We tested the event with trained, professional Olympic athletes as if it were the real Olympics, and it went off without a hitch," the press release boasted. "Those athletes will not be participating in future Olympic events, of course, due to the high degree of strain acid immersion causes to the human body, but this is really common with almost any Olympic event."

Comments from the participating athletes themselves within the press release demonstrated that, at the very least, the new event should prove exciting and competitive.

"Jesus!" one swimmer shrieked upon hitting the acid. "What the hell kind of water is this?"

"Hey, I think you guys got too much chlorine in here," said another swimmer with alarm as smoke started rising around him. "Say, something smells pretty good."

"AAARGHHHH," the winner of one trial race commented. "UGGGHHH."

The winner apparently had more to say, but representatives for the Olympics explained to us that his jaw had later fallen off, rendering him unable to speak. Luckily, a jaw is not considered a limb, so he was not disqualified.

The news of the new event has not been met with universal acclaim, however; some activists are complaining that Acid Swimming is yet another mistake in a long line of failures of the Bush administration.

"When will President Bush stop using acid to solve all of America's problems?" shouted one protester, who held a sign reading "I NEED A RIDE HOME". "This administration is completely corrupt."

For most, though, Acid Swimming will provide exactly what many on the Olympics Committee were hoping for: a new spark in the old games.

"If there's one thing that the Olympics could use in this day and age, it's more people getting hurt and/or embarrassed," said one self-described avid television watcher. "I'm glad the Olympics have finally caught up to the times."

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