Bush Blames Low Approval Ratings On March Madness
Facing the lowest approval ratings of his presidency with just 36 percent saying he is "not doing a fucking terrible job, I guess maybe", President Bush announced today at a rare public conference in Iowa that low public opinion is only "a temporary side-effect of March Madness".
According to Bush, the NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Championship, which lasts 20 days during March and draws betting and enthusiasm from those not already burned out on sports from various football bowls of months past, seriously impaired voters' abilities to "vote good for me".
"Hell, folks, they don't call it March Madness for nothing," he said, flashing a nervous grin to four stalwart supporters and a homeless man. "People go 'mad', or crazy, in this month, and before you know it, up is down, black is white, you just lost 40 grand and an oil company to your coke buddy, and you're confusing Iraq's 'liberation' for 'shittysituationtion'."
In fact, the President said, the low ratings in March are good news, as they mean that he would ordinarily have tremendously high ratings in other, non-mad months.
"I figure I got an approval rating of somewhere around 90 percent," he said.
Bush raised his eyebrows and smiled, asking if "anyone's buying this yet". Met with blank stares, he reiterated his oft-stated philosophy that Presidents can't always make decisions that are popular.
"I tell you, I can't always do what the majority wants," he said. "That's not what democracy is all about."
Speaking of democracy seemed to brighten Bush up a bit and give him what he called a "sedgeway" [sic] into his next talking point: Iraq, a particularly sore point with 60 percent of those polled, who said the war was going poorly.
"We hear bad news coming out of that rat's hole from the media, but I'll tell you what the truth is over there: people are getting along, loving each other, and having a nice time," he said. "And, in due time, a democracy will arise over there, like a beacon of something or other, shining light over other dirty Middle Eastern countries and hopefully not electing a party like Hamas to power, in which case it wouldn't even be 'for real' democracy anyway."
"So don't worry, everyone!" he surmised.
Many who heard Bush's speech seemed confused by it, although it is difficult to get a definitive opinion on anything during March Madness.
"Is Bush trying to say Memphis didn't deserve their No.1 seed?" asked one local man incredulously, preparing an assassin's rifle. "That guy is the worst President ever."
"March, basketball," drooled another Iowan, smearing applesauce on his chest and genitalia. "Giraffes can't do this."
"If this President had a better handle on the god damned economy, maybe I wouldn't be out $50 to my god damned neighbor for betting that Kansas would take the top three in Oakland," snarled one woman in a phone interview from Topeka. "Get the hell out of Iraq and focus on getting my money back!"
When asked why they would even hold a poll in the midst of the basketball-fueled insanity, CNN/USA Today/Gallup, the companies behind the survey, defended their actions.
"We're fucking crazy," a CNN spokesman said, "and we got a right to be."
"Amen, brother," Bush said upon hearing this, nodding and smiling. "Amen to that."
