Patriots' Victory Unsurprising, Say Followers Of Patriot Act

Although the New England Patriots' last-minute victory in this year's Superbowl was arguably thrilling, it was by no means surprising, according to many experts on the United States Patriot Act, who say that the Patriots were virtually assured the trophy for this year.

"There's no 'Panthers Act' that I've ever heard of," said one self-proclaimed expert on the Act. "But what does exist is the Patriot Act, which, amongst other things, states that the Patriots, which is a team name that most accurately reflects patriotism, should win the Superbowl when they get there. It's in the interests of national security."

Tom Gosby, another follower of the law, agreed.

"There's really no better way to bolster patriotism than to have the Patriots win the Superbowl," he said. "I mean, look at their logo. It's a little patriot man colored red, white, and blue, with a little white star on his head and everything. How could they lose?"

And according to many Americans, the Act did exactly what it was supposed to.

"If the Patriots would've lost, I definitely would've been disillusioned with America," reported one woman. "What do the Panthers have to do with red, white, and blue? That's right: nothing."

"Go, Patriots!" shouted one man. "Go, America!"

"I don't know, I'm a bit of a Panthers fan, myself," said one Carolina man, who was then escorted to jail without trial.

When asked for confirmation that the Patriot Act included a clause mandating a New England victory, President Bush said, "Sure, why not?"

"If that'll make the other provisions of the Act easier to swallow, then yes, it does make them win," he said. "In fact, that's the main point of the act. I don't think you should really pay much attention to the rest."

CBS, the network behind the Superbowl, said it was pleased with the outcome of the game.

"We are delighted the Patriots won, and also that there was no derogatory statements about Ronald Reagan or the Republican Party in general made in the game," a network executive said.

While making the statement, the executive also apologized for the accidental display of Janet Jackson's breast during the halftime show.

"CBS deeply regrets that unfortunate event," he said.

Adding a lascivious wink, he added, "Well, not really, if you know what I mean? Eh? Eh?"

The executive then elbowed our reporter for several minutes, after which he accused him of being a homosexual, and banned him from viewing the network for life.

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