Michael Phelps Apologizes For Marijuana Use, Hobo Murders


Olympic gold medallist and world record-holder Michael Phelps admitted to "stupid" behavior on Monday, after a photo of him smoking from a marijuana pipe was published by a UK tabloid.

"I'm 23, so sometimes I act stupid," said Phelps in a statement. "Sometimes I smoke marijuana. Sometimes I break world records. Sometimes I murder hobos. And I am sorry."

The marijuana pipe photo, an exclusive to the tabloid, was the most disturbing image from a five page spread on Phelps, which included photos of him punching an unidentified female, as well as a photo in which he is triumphantly standing above the slaughtered bodies of four homeless men.

"This type of behavior is unacceptable from a role model," said captain Jim Long, an officer with the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency. "For Phelps to smoke marijuana, it's just horrible. I'm speechless."

"I'm not sure about it, but I think it might be worth putting an asterisk after his name in the record books -- who knows how hopped up on hoo-jobs he was when he swam in the Olympics?" said Tom Daschle, who recently declined the nomination to serve as the Secretary of Health and Human Services due to unpaid taxes. "I believe that drugs are wrong. In fact, they are way worse than not paying your taxes. I think we can all agree on that."

Phelps originally posted the incriminating photos on his Facebook page, which he stated he did not realize "was like putting photos out on the internet for the whole world to see". The captions he wrote for the photos included "Me getting high lol" and "Killed these motherfuckers easy rofl".

The International Olympic Commission stated it will investigate the marijuana photo, which "calls into question" Phelps' dedication to "remain drug free".

"We will evaluate whether it will be acceptable for Mr. Phelps to ever compete in the Olympics again," said the president of IOC, Jacques Rogge. "Smoking marijuana may be the greatest offense ever committed by an athlete, ever."

It is currently unclear if the photo has inspired millions of young, aspiring swimmers to fall into the drug-loving lifestyle of Phelps, but some experts believe that it will not be long.

"Studies have shown that within five minutes of seeing their role models behave in a specific way, 98% of children under the age of 2 years old will imitate that behavior," said US Attorney Michael Sullivan, director of the U.S. Bureau for Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. "I've done the math: because of this photo, there are now approximately 68 million toddlers addicted to weed in the United States."

Sullivan believes that the only way to limit the damage is to persuade Phelps to appear in a series of advertisements aimed at convincing children that what he did was wrong.

"For example, there could be several detailed shots of Michael buying a bag of marijuana from the bad kid outside the playground, then carefully rolling a joint and smoking it," he said. "After a sequence of him laughing and killing hobos with his friends, Michael would come back on the screen and say, 'When you smoke weed, it makes your mom feel sad.'"

The series of ads would cost over $500 billion to produce, including at least $25 to get some good weed for Phelps to smoke.

The commercial may have to feature a stand-in, however; Phelps is rumored to have already agreed to appear on the March 2009 cover of High Times, in which he will be murdering more hobos by stuffing marijuana in their mouths until they die.

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