Lions Hoping For Kooky Training Montage To Take Them To Super Bowl

Pictured: the montage in action.

After recently snapping the NFL's longest losing streak, the Detroit Lions are headed to the Super Bowl, says owner William Ford, Sr., who plans to take his scrappy team there via a slightly humorous montage full of kooky hijinx, hilarious pranks, and improved teamwork.

"Athletic ability can only get you so far in this league," said Ford at a press conference. "This season, a group of likeable misfits is about to show the pros that with a little heart, anything is possible."

While the team has not given up completely on superior play calling, strategic game planning, and improved fundamentals, they do think that their Super Bowl chances will ultimately come down to a light-toned collection of scenes that progress both story and characterization, while simultaneously driving home the theme that there is more to the NFL than winning.

When asked how this would be possible, Coach Jim Schwartz -- a gruff, foul-mouthed man with a good heart -- explained, "We're gonna find a slightly dated song, repeat the same practice techniques over and over to improving effect, and sprinkle in some funny pranks as our team learns to work together as one."

Reporters then scratched their heads as Schwartz chewed on a black and mild cigar and reached into a nearby cooler for an ice cold Schlitz beer.

Long mired in a reputation for continued losing campaigns, it's clear that the Lions have grown tired of being bullied around by their more affluent, popular, and good-looking division rivals. Just recently on a recent road trip to Chicago, the beleaguered team surrendered 31 points, 200 rushing years, and five sacks. Adding insult to injury, rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford was stuffed into a garbage can by snarky Bears players Jay Cutler and Brian Urlacher, who continued the onslaught by reportedly dumping ketchup on Stafford's mud-soaked jersey.

Now, with the new montage strategy and one win under their belt, the team seems poised for greatness, but the strategy isn't immune to criticism. Said Tom Kowalski of the Grand Rapids Press, "This is typical Detroit Lions management. They were 0-16 last season -- the worst record in the history of football. You need to do more than stage a light-hearted, time-advancing sequence full of recurring plot devices and broad humor. How about going out and getting a free agent? What about Albert Haynesworth? Or T.J. Houshmanzadah? Or that kid who smokes cigarettes and rides his dirt bike outside Ford Field?"

Retorted Coach Schwartz, "Who the hell is T.J. Houshmanzadah? We can't sign people who are obviously made-up."

ESPN analysts like Jon Throlman, on the other hand, think this could turn out to be the best managerial move since landing Coach Schwartz from the city of Detroit in a surprising community service court order stemming from a DUI offense.

"Schwartz was a logical choice, given his football background as an arrogant, reckless, long-haired quarterback," said Throlman. "Some people forget that he only ever played in one professional football game back in 1983 -- a game where he was put in at a crucial moment, and ended up losing everything."

Now, many believe Schwartz views this opportunity as a shot at redemption. Although the coach isn't saying if that's the case, he is confident that his team is on a trip straight to Super Bowl XLIV. And when they arrive, Schwartz says he has a few tricks up his sleeve.

"I have an improbable, slightly-illegal trick play planned to take the unlikely victory at the last moment," he revealed. "It'll probably be the Annexation of Puerto Rico. Or maybe the fumblerooskie. It will definitely be some variation of the hidden ball trick. And it will definitely not be in the rule book."

Image credit: Flickr

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: