Americans Prefer Less Variety, Says New Poll

In a new poll, published by non-affiliated company Raw Deal Polling, Americans almost unanimously declared that variety has become "useless", "old-fashioned", and "inconvenient".

The results show that 93% of the American population likes not having to make decisions anymore and that variety was an impediment in living the desired predictable, vapid and decision-free lifestyle. Of the remaining 7% that showed interest in variety of choices, 2% claimed they would avoid Super Target only on non-sale days. The other 5% were mostly handicapped or elderly citizens that require public transportation to leave their front yards.

Ron Hammer, spokesperson for Raw Deal, said of the results, "We were somewhat surprised. There was nothing to clue us in on this phenomenon before analyzing the outcome besides the explosion of Wal-Marts, Starbucks, Targets, Blockbusters, T.G.I. Fridays, and a rapid decline in the small-business economy all across the nation, but it now seems that having more then one choice for shopping or eating has become mind-boggling. Whatever the case, it's clear that America is saying 'no' to variance and 'yes' to tedium."

Additionally, variety has not only become inconvenient, but unhip, according to a report published in People Magazine.

"Whereas in the 80's when the 'cool' people were the ones that wore clothes they got from God-knows-what-store, even if they got them at a store and not off the black market," stated fashion analyst Joan Jensen, "now the big men and women on campus could all be easily mistaken for Jessica Simpson or Colin Farrell – the only question kids want to ask themselves is, 'relaxed pajama or pop diva look today?' These are exciting new times for fashion."

Hammer says that these trends are a "natural progression" of store atmosphere in America.

"The sounds of 'Strawberry Fields Forever' done musak-style and the buzz of fluorescent neon lights has replaced the jingle jangle of a store's front door opening up, followed by the clerk calling the patron by name and asking him how he or she is doing," said Hammer, "and America is saying, 'Good Riddance!'"

One of the polled consumers, Jenny Cater, had this to say: "I like driving down the street and seeing the same three stores on every commercial block. If I did not want to stop at Caribou right now, I can always get it on the next block if I change my mind. As for the necessities, I am a mother of three and I have to pick the kids up from day care by 4:00, so the more you can get under one roof, the better, I say. I can't work out, see my therapist and go to more than one store if I want to pick up the kids on time. It just makes my life easier."

"I don't like the traffic and parking around those big places, but if I can pay fifty-cents less for plastic silver wear and paper napkins than what Primo Foods and Groceries charges, I'll go," said mother and part-time speech therapist Nancy Hilden. "Primo Foods is right down the street from my house and is run by this nice, little old Asian man named Sun Li, but all they have are groceries. Plus, sometimes when I'm at Target on Saturday afternoons, I just throw my list away, because I find all kinds of great stuff that I didn't know I needed."

Hilden added that she prefers the "Mom & Pop joints" to the "sterile mega-store environment", but makes the special effort to shop Target when, "I'm not exactly sure what I want but know that I need to buy something."

The poll also revealed that the same 93% of Americans who choose to have less to choose from also express a dislike for human contact or conversation while shopping.

"I used to get advice on what kind of caulking would work on various project I'd work, on like my patio or driveway," said Jim Burke, manager of nearby Mueller Tire and Brake store, "but now I just punch it in on this little keypad here and it gives me all kinds of great products that can help me."

"See?" he asked with a smile, punching in various keys. "No fuss, no muss."

Before finding the desired product, the Home Depot Corporations Incorporated touch-sensitive video screen Burke was using froze up, causing Burke to scream out loud, "Fuck! Goddamn machines! Screw it, I know what I need."

Taking a deep break, Burke added that that he has had avoided shopping at over-charging specialty stores in order to cut corners, especially since Mueller bought out his company Jim's Tires and Auto and helped him "see the light".

"Now, if I could just find this shit-fuck [caulking], I can guarantee that I'd be saving at least fifteen-cents on it compared to what they charge at 'Lou's Hardware and Home Supplies'," claimed Burke.

After requesting assistance from two employees, both of whom had to ask their managers for guidance, Burke threw up his arms and said, "Fuck it, I don't really need it today anyhow, but check out this kick-ass Toro Electric Ultra Blower Vac – mine's kind of old and you actually have to plug it into an outlet."

As small businesses declare bankruptcy at a record rate, market analysts are predicting record sales at five of the 10 remaining companies listed in the 'Fortune 500's List of the 10 Remaining American Companies'.

"Restaurant, coffee shop and pharmacy owners who are being pushed out of business by Max and Erma's, Starbucks or Walgreens can now shop for next to nothing at the stores that put them out of business if money becomes tight," said market analyst Greg Shoffman. "America has adopted a new philosophy of 'If you can't beat 'em, join 'em,', which is much more in-tune with the times than, for example, the outdated 'Live free or die'."

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