Area Man Attempts Various Euphemisms To Discuss Sex With Wife

Although he would "greatly appreciate" sex on a more frequent basis, Quakertown resident Don Johanson has had some difficulty discussing the act with his wife, who has repeatedly failed to grasp his various euphemisms for sexual relations.

Johanson, admittedly shy when it comes to the subject of sex, decided about a month ago to broach the subject with his wife by using a variety of examples and analogies that were meant to signify sex without him actually having to directly mention it. But so far, this method has not met with success.

"I guess I'm not as clever as I thought," he said. "Either that, or she's not nearly as intelligent and perceptive as I once believed her to be. Either way, I get practically no sex."

Johanson and his wife copulate approximately twice a month, "far too little" for him. But his first attempt to bring his problem up with his wife turned into "one big miscommunication".

"I said to her, 'Donna, sometimes Willie needs to be exercised more than a few times a month,'" he recalled, drawing on the assumption that his wife would draw the connection between Willie and "one-eyed Willie", a common slang for the male genitalia. "She said, 'What the hell are you talking about?' I just walked away, shaking my head."

Johanson did not see any more sex as a result of the exchange, although he did notice his wife walking Barney, the family dog, significantly more often.

About a week later, another euphemism was used, with similar results.

"I thought maybe getting her into the bed was key," Johanson explained. "The bed overall is a very sexy thing. So one night I said, 'Maybe we should try, you know, going to bed earlier a few nights a week from now on, eh, honey?' She just told me that maybe I wouldn't be so tired if I didn't stay up late every night breathing in her ear."

The ear-breathing, a vestige of an earlier campaign of Johanson's designed to initiate sex which he called "Sleep Seduction", was also a failure.

After additional euphemisms -- such as "doing the dirty dishes more often", "going in and out tonight", and the controversial "stretching out with old Mr. Don and his magical snake" -- Johanson is reportedly no closer to attaining his goal of intercourse at least once a week, and ready to try newer tactics.

"I did consider directly asking her, and in fact have been training for that by asking her in a quiet whisper when her back is turned to me," he revealed. "But I don't forsee that development being complete for quite some time, and I'm not sure how much longer I want to wait."

However, he is wary to try additional euphemisms; his previous failed attempts have already given his wife "the wrong idea" about several non-related subjects as an unforeseen side effect of his failures.

"Thanks to her not getting what I was trying to do, she now believes that I like doing the dishes frequently, that I own a snake that I'm hiding from her somewhere in the house, and that I want to be in bed by 7:00 every night," Johanson said, worried. "I think she also might think that I'm gay."

Johanson is not giving up hope, yet, however; although he is strongly considering abandoning the euphemism plan, he has several other strategies in the works.

"My one plan is the 'Sexy Man Work' plan, in which I work on various things around the house with a hammer and my shirt off while she's around," he said. "I might have to wait for a lot of things to break down, though, because she would probably notice if I wasn't actually doing any work."

Other plans up for consideration include the "Ass-Slapping Initiative" and "Accidentally Leaving Something In The Bathroom While She's In The Shower, So I Have To Get It, But Then We End Up Having Sex In The Shower" movements.

As for how his wife feels about the subject, Johanson says he's not sure.

"There was this one time a few weeks ago when she asked me if I wanted to have sex more," he said, "but I was so stunned that she said that out loud that I shouted, 'No!' and ran into the bathroom."

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