Americans Getting Fatter, Confirms Fat Guy

Pictured: what a new, fat flag might look like.

A new study has revealed that despite national obsessions with fad diets and quick surgeries, the majority of Americans are still fat and getting fatter, a claim that was verified by local fat man Bob Talmut.

"I'm definitely fatter now than I was at this same time last year," Talmut said, pointing to his rotund figure as proof. "I declare this study to be true."

As an obese individual living in America, Talmut exemplifies the fat U.S., and many look to him for insight into the fatness of themselves and others. In an exclusive interview, he attempted to shed some light on the growing, fat fat problem.

"I've observed myself over this past year, and I did notice that although I made efforts at several different diets ranging from token to half-hearted, none produced any real results," he explained. "I also observed myself giving my kids -- who are part of the percentage of obese children that has tripled since 1980 -- food high in sugar, fat, and caloric content. I believe these factors, combined with global warming, may have something to do with my current girth."

Talmut cited several diets he attempted over the past 12 months, including: replacing three normal meals a day with 7 low-carb meals and 1 sobbing uncontrollable late-night normal meal per day; eating the exact same foods but substituting diet for normal soda; eating the exact same foods but sitting in front of a large fan afterwards; eating while watching "Celebrity Fit Club" on VH1; and ingesting small amounts of motor oil in between meals.

However, Talmut cautions against extrapolating data from his enormous self too much, as he may not fully represent the average fat person.

"For example, I have reached a point where I am considering attempting to gain even more weight to qualify for that surgery where they make you thin again," he said. "I'm not sure how many other fat people at there are there yet, although I am trying to spread the word."

But what are the real ramifications of being fat? According to many fat people, nothing.

"People need to love me for who I am and stop telling me my business," said one fat Florida resident angrily. "I see on the TV, 'Oh, fat people cost the country x amount of money in healthcare, it's an epidemic, blah blah,' and I think, don't you judge me. At least I don't smoke."

"And I hate," she added, "when they tell you how many years it will take off the end of your life. Those are stupid years anyway, so being fat is actually good: I'll get to age 50 in perfect health, and then die instantly and peacefully, while all you skinny suckers live for 30 more years with the diseases and stuff, from being so skinny."

"The thing is, I know I look good," agreed the woman's fat friend. "In fact, there are several internet sites that want my services as a nude model as we speak."

Despite the ponderous wheezing attitudes of some people, though, many in the country continue to believe that obesity is a significant problem, and would like to combat it using harsh measures.

"I really don't see the problem with taxing food that's bad for you," said Dr. Van Santz, professor of taxing food that's bad for you at the University of Pennsylvania. "This would encourage the poor, who currently only buy low quality food because that's all they can afford, to stop doing that."

"It's time to hold places like McDonald's responsible for what they've done to this world," shouted an activist on the street of somewhere or another. "People have been tricked into thinking that a large Double Quarter Pounder value meal will help them maintain or even lose weight."

Although the obesity problem looks unlikely to shrink in the near future, many have hope for further down the road, when rising crime rates and murderous robots will kill off many fat people, who will naturally be less able to quickly run away from their metal attackers, a sentiment that angers the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, Totally (NAAFAT).

"Fat people can run just as fast as normal-sized people," said a spokesperson for the organization. "It's just too hot out right now, and our stories are on the TV."

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