Local Man Totally Not Shitting You

Ben Bremmer, 26, announced on Friday that he is totally not shitting you.

"No, dude, I'm not shitting you, man," Bremmer replied upon being questioned, "Are you shitting me?" and remained adamant about his state of non-shitting-youage.

Details of the exchange are still vague; the conversation occurred between Bremmer and you at an undisclosed location, at which time he presented you a proposition that sent you recoiling in disbelief, causing you to demand to know if Bremmer was or was not shitting you. At this point, Bremmer vehemently denied having shat you and insisted that he was, in fact, not doing so, emphasizing the word "not".

"One thing that we can ascertain from the conversation is that Bremmer is definitely not shitting you," said Johnny Walton, witness to the discussion between the two of you. "Whatever the case may be, and no matter the details or circumstances, we can all take comfort in the fact that Bremmer is definitely not shitting you -- that is the one stable pillar on which we can support ourselves even as we live in a world of so much insecurity."

By you suggesting that Bremmer was "shitting", an inflected form of the word "shit", which can mean "to tease or try to deceive", you appeared to harbor the notion that Bremmer was attempting to mislead you at some point during the conversation. But by specifically claiming to not have shat you, Bremmer seems to indicate that he had been steering the conversation in an honest direction to allow for your full comprehension and understanding of the matter that he was attempting to address.

Dr. Barry Forbes, professor of Linguistics at the University of Pennsylvania, put it in more simple-to-understand terms.

"If what you've told me about his character is correct, Mr. Bremmer is not one to shit another man," he explained. "So, I can only conclude that Bremmer is definitely not fucking shitting you, man...and what's more, he done told you the same."

Bremmer has used similar defenses in the past to proclaim his trustworthiness and accuracy during various telling of stories, information exchange, and general shootings of the shit. He has formerly been quoted as having said the following at different times: "I am not shitting you, dude", "I am not shitting you, man", "Man, I am not shitting you" and, on occasion, the Yoda-like "Shitting you I am not."

In fact, according to those familiar with Bremmer, like Walton, it is relatively unsurprising that Bremmer had to reassure you of not being shat.

"That guy is always telling stories that could, honestly, qualify as 'shitting you' pretty easily," he said. "But hey, you have to believe the man when he declares the stories to be totally shitting-you free. I mean, we're talking the Last Word, kaput, the end, see you later, no more, done, signed sealed delivered -- you got it, shithead?"

Reports indicate that upon finally accepting that you were not being shat in any way by Bremmer's words, you responded by slapping your knee and saying, "Well I'll be dipped in shit, that's just incredible. Amazing."

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