Mating, Cute Pandas In Zoo-Woo Infatuate, Impress Public

Two rare Chinese pandas at the Atlanta Zoo have been engaging in springtime courtship behavior, much to the delight and astonishment of not only the local zoo-goers, but the entire nation at large.

"I bet the man panda is saying, 'Let me peel that bamboo for you!'" said one enthusiastic woman. "But his girlfriend is saying very sassily, 'You can keep your shoots to yourself!'"

There's no doubt that both pandas, which have some form of "Ding" or "Ling" or "Ring-a-ding-ding" in their names, are real crowd pleasers. Millions of people each year come to watch them sleep.

"Pandas," said one man, shaking his head in disbelief. "Well I'll be."

Not all is happy in panda world, however; People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is launching a protest against keeping the animals in captivity.

"They should be allowed to live exactly as they do in the wild: poached, shot, and gutted for their livers." PETA spokesperson Brandon Bewilda said.

PETA activists also object to the zoo's somewhat unorthodox policy of feeding the pandas Coca-Cola six times a day. When asked about the feeding practice, Atlanta's head zookeeper claimed that the elixir was especially favored by the portly bruins because they could suck it through their bamboo straws.

"They're really funny when the fizz shoots out their noses," the zookeeper said. "Bubbling and fizzing, what a cute sight!"

Atlantans at large, in fact, have become so taken by the cuddly bears that sports franchises are eager to capitalize on the publicity. The NBA Atlanta Hawks are debating whether or not to call themselves the "Balls of Fur," while the Braves have been considering the "Panderers". The Falcons, however, have expressed no interest in a name change.

"If we changed the name of the team," Falcons owner Arthur Blank explained, "we might win a Super Bowl."

Even President George Bush has agreed enthusiastically to attend any new panda cub christening, although he did ask an advisor, "They aren't both the same sex, are they?"

To satisfy the President's curiosity, his advance team is obtaining permission for him to inspect each panda's privates.

"It's just like politics," the President explained. "You don't know where you stand until you have the other guy's balls in your hand."

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