Federal Reserve Uses Nude Photos To Raise Interest in Rates

Pictured: some of the new cash.

In an effort to combat "all that dreary math" in deciding U.S. monetary policy, recently-nominated Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke plans to put images of nude females -- some in sexually compromising positions with other females and animals -- on all federal paperwork, and eventually all U.S. currency.

"Federal account holders now receive a dry quarterly statement that merely lists their various accounts and accrued interest," Ben Bernanke, who is also the Federal Silly Names Chairman, announced. "We want to jazz this stuff up by putting Jenna Jameson on the letterhead."

Bernanke added that he acknowledges that he "promised to do what I perceive as my clear and particular best, where best is determined as the maximum output of effort determined by my aptitude and frequency of high-syllabic and syntactically complex verbiage, to continue the policies of Alan Greenspan, and I will." But he said that Greenspan himself would approve of the risque new changes.

"Few people know what a randy dude Big Al really is," he said. "They think that just because his mouth is full of oatmeal and yellow teeth that the chicks don't dig him, but boy, they are wrong. Howard Marshall took lessons from 'G-Span the Man' on how to be a chick magnet."

When asked by The Enduring Vision if "ya gonna just use one goil's picture or lots of diff'rnt ones", Bernanke explained that the Reserve will be pursuing a variety of girls from all sorts of places, including the parking lot outside of that one pizza place.

"We're going after all the porn stars and reality show hookers we can find," he said. "We figure there are more than enough on cable TV alone to keep us supplied for decades."

The inspiration for the change, says Bernanke, stems from the government's desire to use illustrations more and more to accommodate idiots.

"What better way to illustrate many of our government's fiscal policies than a picture of two sexy people screwing each other?" he beamed.

Not that there is no precedent for female images on U.S. currency -- the dollar bill, for example, has had Barbara Bush's picture on it for years. Bernanke and his staff are merely just adding to their legacy.

"All we'll be doing now is going for cleavage," he said. "It's really not so different than females on money past. And just think of all those images of Liberty on old coins. John \Ashcroft is still busy pasting yellow dots on Liberty Walking half dollars, and he's not even employed by the federal government anymore."

But could the copious attention that will undoubtedly be paid to the prominent female nudity affect the workings of the Reserve, or even society as a whole? Bernanke says that if anything, those workings will be enhanced by the money.

"Looking at a beautiful lady having sexual congress with a large dog will make the average person less sad when the interest on his variable rate mortgage doubles, or when his rich uncle gets more tax breaks," he said. "There really needs to be more happiness in our world today, and I think we're facilitating that here with this beautiful money."

The government will spend over 56 billion dollars promoting the new currency, which will come from taxpayers and Larry Flynt.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: