Rescue Efforts Enrage New Orleans Residents

Federal officials cautioned that conditions of "urban warfare" are erupting in New Orleans as survivors of whatever it is that recently happened there register their disgust and anger at those attempting to help restore order to the city.

"We were trying to evacuate some people from a hospital when someone just started shooting," said one official, who refused to give his name under fear that vengeful city inhabitants would kill him. "I guess we're doing it wrong."

Although Hurricane Katrina has not been active in the Louisiana region for days, city residents seem to be determined to keep the spirit of destruction and chaos alive, with "armed gangs" using looting, random shootings, necrophilia, and large scary parade floats to show their appreciation for the occasion while simultaneously conveying their disgust for the police.

"I hate rescues!" spat one resident, violently raping a young woman, who was agreeing with him. "Especially flood rescues!"

An Enduring Vision camera crew was warned to stay off the streets by police, who said conditions in New Orleans were just too "crazy and dangerous" to be outside in. Today, several months after being told that, the crew received the same message.

"Wow, anarchy, just as I've always dreamed and written the symbol of on my school notebooks," said one 14 year-old self-described "punkified punk" in awe as a looter shot his father and kicked him in the face. "This is so cool."

Members of the National Guard, the Army, and NAMBLA are now being sent to the state in order to attempt to stabilize things, but they now face the real possibility that most people will be irritated by their presence.

"I'm sure the NAMBLA guys get this kind of reception all the time, but being in today's Army, I'm really perplexed and surprised by these people not welcoming us with open arms," said one young recruit. "This is certainly unlike anything we've ever experienced before."

The director of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, Michael Brown, says he only now understands that residents of New Orleans simply want to be left alone.

"We should've realized from the moment that we gave ample evacuation orders to the city and people stayed behind that they wanted this to happen," he said. "Now all we're doing is standing in the way of their dreams of mob rule and hysteria."

"Jesus," he sobbed, crying into his hands. "We're monsters."

In a move that may please those who are hoping for the rescue effort to diminish, President Bush today announced that all federal forces will soon withdraw from the region.

"This is a lost cause, and it would be silly now to stay the course," he said. "So long, suckers!"

Suckers or not, some New Orleanders interviewed already seemed pleased with the decision.

"God, thank you," said one woman, relieved. "I guess some people have a problem with me and my children living in an overcrowded sports facility next to a pile of feces and a dead man."

"Good news, everyone!" shouted Gelorf Sex, the leader of one of the newly-formed gangs, at the other side of the convention center. "We've successfully turned away the rescue efforts!"

The stadium erupted in cheers.

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