Shitty Stores Closing At Record Pace

Pictured: a shitty store.

Some are calling it a sign of a new recession; others are urging more level-headed caution. Most U.S. citizens are wary of the possibility, however, that the recent shutdown of many shit-ass stores is a sign of a weakening economy; a recent poll revealed that 76% of citizens are concerned that many "not very useful", "stupid", and/or "irritating" stores are now closing down.

"I used to have to go to five or six different stores to get what I wanted on the weekends, and it really took up a lot of time," said one Ohio woman surveyed. "These days, though, it seems like those stores are boarded up, and I order my stuff from the Internet or get it from a larger store for much less money. I can't help but wonder what's happening."

While sales at stores with a wide variety of wares and non-hunchbacked employees show no general signs of slowing down, crappy stores and retail have begun taking a fall in recent months.

"See if I ever vote Republican again," said Binny Drake, owner of Binny's Vintage Cassette Tapes and 8-Tracks store in Duluth, Michigan. "I thought that the boom in the economy meant that my ass-sucking business would stay afloat at least long enough for cassettes to become as hip and cool as LP's and vinyl."

Drake says that at the start of 2000, his business was on the right track as he bought up 100's of copies of glam-rock band Poison's mega-hit "Flesh and Blood" in preparation for the day when Brett, Rikki, CC and Bobby would re-reunite, re-establishing their powerhouse presence in the music scene and making him millions. But it never happened, leaving Drake now unable to stay in business.

"I thought that I'd be able to stay afloat just long enough to survive the economy's ebb and flow, but thanks to Bush's humbug policies, I'll never have my chance to live the American Dream," he said, scowling.

Drake added that all may not be lost, as he is currently accumulating capital to start a new music store specializing in cassingles.

"This damn recession will probably kill that too, though," he said pessimistically. "Jeez, I'd rather be living in 1930."

After a record number of sucky stores opened in 1995 and continued to thrive, most available data suggests that the boom reached a plateau in late 2004, and seems to have since fallen into decline. Some owners have written letters to their Congressmen, and others have protested by leaving a big dump in the toilet without flushing before vacating the premises of their ruined businesses. No matter their mode of protest, it's evident that virtually all owners of crap-spots across the nation, like Drake, are feeling resentful and hurt by the lack of business.

"All the Mom and Pop places like us and Fast Food By Hal are being pushed out for no good reason,"
complained Duff Bayer, clerk at used book reseller Broken Spine Books before he excused himself to help a customer who had come to the counter to make a purchase.

Bayer asked if the customer had been able to find everything that she was looking for, and when the customer replied, "No, I couldn't find the Da Vinci Code anywhere," Bayer offered to order it for her, enabling the book to arrive in eight to ten business days.

"No thanks, I think I'll just go to Barnes and Noble," declined the would-be patron politely.

"Last week was the same thing, man," later stated Bayer, shaking his head, "except that time it was Crime and Punishment. As if every book store in the world can have every book ever written!"

The decline in business can best be seen on a local level. Where once there proudly stood used book stores, used porno magazine stands, Hep Cat's Cigars and Wingtips, and Donna's Holistic Dentistry, America's Main Streets are increasingly littered with new storefronts of stores that don't absolutely eat shit.

"It's a cryin' shame to see the way this town is going," said Herbert Funionsen, 68. "I myself am in the typewriter repair business, and I can think back to one day when some feller from some company called Mike-grow-soft, or something like that -- selling pillows I figure -- started telling me that computers were the wave of the future. I told him to kindly get out of my store and never come back. 'I sell typewriters fer a living,' I I told him, 'on account of that's what I've always done, and why change when you've got a good thing going?'"

"Why do you need a damned screen to see what you're typing, anyway?" he shouted. "You got eyes already!"

Following the interview, Funionsen returned to his Remington No. 2 to complete a missive to Congressman Barack Obama (D-IL) and, finding the "e", "k" and "a" keys to be jammed, exclaimed, "If this isn't the god damned tenth time this thing has happened today! Must be something wrong with the oil I've been using."

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