What Happens In Vegas 'Easily Discovered' By Friends, Family, Reports Ruined Local Man

Area man Tindell Higby, lured to Las Vegas by the recent batch of commercials assuring him that "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas", discovered late today that his exploits in the Nevada city were not kept secret by anyone.

"I thought it would be nice to vacation by myself in Vegas and get away from the family a little bit," he said. "After seeing the commercials, I figured it would be a lot of fun...fun that no one would be the wiser to."

Banking on the principle that people not in Las Vegas would be unable to see it, Higby photo-journalized his adventure in the city of sin and posted it on the Internet for his own later personal viewing. But he was shocked to learn shortly after returning his vacation that numerous people that he knew had logged onto the page, witnessing the debauchery contained on it.

"Dear God, I thought Tindell was just a normal, suburban family man," said a coworker after viewing numerous photos of Higby engaged in sex acts with assorted hookers, including one transvestite. "This is outrageous behavior! What was he thinking?"

"We certainly can't have a human being who acts like this working for our company," said Higby's boss, grimacing in disgust as he watched his employee get married to five separate women in one night, engaging in on-altar intercourse with two of them. "This man is fired."

"Drugs?" shrieked Higby's wife after she witnessed footage of her husband purchasing some crack-cocaine in a stairway. "It's bad enough that he did it, but to make a webpage about it? We're getting a divorce!"

"How is she seeing that?" Higby moaned when told of his wife's discovery. "That should be a physical impossibility!"

However, the sexually compromising pictures and evidence of drug use are not the only things to come out of the Vegas visit; Nevada police are currently investigating the murder and dismembering of a transient in the desert area outside of Las Vegas, which may be linked to Higby.

"I thought Vegas was a place where a fellow could knock off a bum or two without anyone being the wiser," Higby said sadly as police took him into custody. "I guess I'm just a grade-A sucker."

When asked why their commercials implied that events happening in Vegas would stay there even though that isn't necessarily true, the Nevada State Department of Tourism explained that there are some "technicalities" to consider, such as the fact that there "is no magical force that can contain the various discretions committed within the city of Las Vegas."

Despite the claims of the Tourism Department, however, lawsuits are pending on behalf of Higby in an effort to clear him of some of the charges he now faces, forcing the city to rethink their advertising approach.

"I suppose we could change the slogan to something like, 'Las Vegas: Act Like An Animal, But Don't Expect Us To Hide It,'" a representative from the department suggested. "I guess that has a certain ring to it."

As far as many other Vegas vacationers are concerned, however, Higby deserves no sympathy.

"He knew what he was getting into," said one man, shrugging as he did blow off a hooker's ass. "He should take responsibility for his own sick actions."

"A few hits of crack and the man's going apeshit," said one man who would only give his name as "Hunter" and insisted he was fellow press. "Wait until he gets into bat country!"

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