Plane Lands In Kentucky For Some Reason

A commuter jet crashed shortly after takeoff today in Lexington, Kentucky, killing all but one person on board, who survived by ingeniously flushing himself down the plane's toilet shortly before the crash.

But authorities are less concerned about the crash than they are about what the plane, a commuter jet that officials say appears "much too important for Kentucky", was doing in the state in the first place.

"The plane crashed sometime after takeoff -- that much we get," said National Transportation Safety Board official Debbie Hersman. "But why was it in Kentucky to begin with? Aside from being a charter jet for some kind of grass touring group, we can't think of a single reason."

Furthermore, says Hersman, early evidence suggests that the plane's passengers and crew did not want to land in Kentucky in the first place, and were in a hurry to leave.

"Oh Jesus, just let us get out of here," the plane's co-pilot can be heard saying on the recovered black box from the flight, with the pilot saying in the background, "Even a horrific crash would be more interesting than what we've been through here."

The current theory set forth by the NTSB is that the plane landed in Kentucky as some sort of bizarre practical joke on the passengers by the pilots, although spokesperson Hersman admits that such jokes do not happen often in the flight industry.

"Every now and then you get a couple of wisenheimer stewardesses who pretend there's a terrorist on the plane," she acknowledged, "but still...that's a far cry from what we've seen today."

Hersman then apologized for bringing up planes and terrorism so soon after the attempted London hijackings, saying that some could find it in bad taste.

The plane's sole septic survivor is in stable condition, but for now, he isn't talking about what happened.

"If only you knew what these eyes have seen," he croaked from his hospital bed. "A man isn't meant to see so much blankness."

Kentucky, a state somewhere around Mississippi or something, was created in 1958, when the United States, bored and between wars, needed something to do. Creating a state fit the bill, but the only place left in the nation to do so was a barren wasteland of uninteresting grass. Out of these slightly interesting beginnings, Kentucky was born.

The state quickly became the whiskey capital of the nation, due to many of the state's residents being unable to deal with, in the words of early Kentucky pioneer Jim Beam, "so much god damned bluegrass". Drunk Kentuckyians quickly learned that they could jump on the backs of the abundant horses in the state for a fast, jarring ride that aided them in throwing up, which lead to the state's secondary pastime of horseback riding.

It is unclear what occurs in the state in modern times due to the United States excluding Kentucky from most national discussions or events, but some speculate that people may still inhabit the state. The Enduring Vision was able to make contact with some of these indigenous people for their take on the plane event.

"Aeroplanes are quaint, but most of us in this sector prefer to travel by way of lightrail," said one resident. "It's remarkably more efficient, and contains the added bonus of slowing down the aging process and contributing a dollar towards the world peace fund every time you ride it."

"Now," he added, producing a bottle from his jacket. "Ya'll should get tore up with me."

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: