Area Man Masturbates Loudly To Convince Neighbors He's Always Getting Laid

Pictured: Stanza in the midst of pretend coitus.

Ted Stanza has been known to his family for years as a "caring" and "compassionate" man. In the words of his friends, he has always been "loyal" and "trustworthy." To his neighbors next door, however, he has most likely become known as "that guy who is always having awesome threesomes with hot chicks."

At least, that was Stanza's intention several weeks ago, when he began to scream and wail while masturbating.

"You know, back in college, the dude next to me was always bringing back some hot chick to his room, and they'd go at it for hours," recalled Stanza. "I remember thinking at the time,'‘That should be me. That should be me with that chick. Man, that would be great.' And then I'd sit by the wall and listen. And jerk it."

Instead, Stanza's attention during that delicate time focused mainly on developing multiple level 70 characters in World of Warcraft and drinking beer while alone, activities he now blames on his inability to attract the type of woman he deserves.

"Now that I'm in this apartment on Wilson St., it's pretty easy for me to avoid talking to my neighbors," said Stanza, casually drinking two liters of Pepsi. "But the thing I learned in one of my business classes is that it's not who you are, it's who people think you are. And they're probably thinking I'm the man for having so much sex."

Stanza begins each night by playing pornographic movies at a relatively high volume, so that his neighbors "hear the girls' voices" and automatically assume "there's at least a couple chicks over who are all warmed up and ready to go." He then begins the actual act of self-gratification, moaning and screaming for "almost three minutes."

He repeats this routine every single night, and four times a day on the weekend.

"If I lived next to me, I'd think I was some kind of sex god or demon," smiled Stanza. "And if I was a chick, I'd want to hit it. For sure."

His neighbors in the apartment below him, Bill and Melissa Schwartz, said that they often find it difficult to sleep while "the fat guy in [apartment number] three is jerking it to she-male porn."

"It sounds like he doesn't even watch the good stuff," said Bill. Melissa immediately got angry and the interview had to be stopped.

For his part, Stanza denies liking she-male porn, though he could neither confirm nor deny he has watched it multiple times in the last few months.

Stanza's other neighbor, Doris Gleason, has lived in the apartment next to Stanza for over forty years. She said that while she has become hard of hearing in her old age, Stanza's raucous sex life is "loud enough to understand fine details" and that it does not bother her.

"In fact," she said with a twinkle in her one good eye, "it kind of turns me on."

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