Area Man Considered 'Too Big To Fail' At Breaking Diet; Liposuction Bailout Expected

Pictured: Lester Citis, being too big to fail.

With his waistline at a hefty 60 inches and gaining, local man Lester Citis says that he is now literally too big to have hopes of his diet ever working for him, and will need a surgery bailout to return his health to solvency.

In a meeting at his physician's office in the town of Capitol's Hill, Citis pleaded with his doctor to give him the liposuction, and warned of dire consequences "rippling throughout the system of my body" if he did not get it.

"Without a bailout, doc, I'm just going to get fatter and fatter, until I fall through the Earth all the way to China," he said. "I know surgery is a tough road to go down, but it's the only way to save me. And there's a lot of me to save."

Citis's physician, Dr. U. Samuels, says he's conflicted about whether or not to grant Citis the surgery.

"On the one hand, he is disgustingly fat. Even a few more pounds will likely cause him to implode like a dying star," Samuels explained candidly. "Just looking at him leaves me with kind of a queasy feeling, and I can't even fathom how, as his physician, I allowed him to get so big in the first place. I probably should have regulated his caloric intake a little better, but his beady little eyes warmed my heart, and convinced me to tell him it was okay to have a box of donuts every now and then throughout the day."

But, says Samuels, there may be some value in allowing Citis to fail.

"Yes, there is a chance that he could die, and his family and everyone else who depends on him would be at a loss," Samuels admitted, "but that would certainly teach people not to be so fat, wouldn't it?"

Although Samuels clearly blames himself for Citis's girth, some say Citis would have taken far better care of himself if left completely alone.

"I know my son," bawled Citis's mother, Gertie, "and he ain't no dummy. He coulda switched to diet soda, or told them chicken tenders to leave him alone. But they were givin' 'em away free at the market on Tuesday, and Lester, well he just helped himself to about 10 pounds of 'em before they threatened him with a forklift."

Gertie then sorrowfully ate some Oreos and porkrinds.

Citis doesn't have the money to pay for any kind of bailout surgery, meaning that even if his request is approved, he'll need to go into debt to the hospital and pay it back over his long road to recovery. But the fatty-fatty-two-by-four has come under criticism from his wife, Sally, and others for eating six fruit pies, a small bison, and other snacks on the way to his meeting with Dr. Samuels, making his requests for surgery a tough sell.

"I love my husband, but it was probably a bad idea for him to spend half of his paycheck on 106 bags of pork rinds right before he visited the doctor," said Sally.

Dr. Samuels is expected to make his decision shortly. In the meantime, Citis, who runs a small gift shop near his home, is asking members of the community to stick by him in his time of need by making their purchases from him instead of rival chains.

"I know the stuff I sell might be a little more expensive or not as good," he said to a few confused-looking citizens in the parking lot of a local grocery store, "but I made it, and you know me! Isn't that enough?"

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