Black Man Caught Impersonating Respected White Professor
Henry Louis Gates Jr., previously believed to be an acclaimed white intellectual and professor of literature, was arrested at his home last week on suspicion of racial identity theft.
Cambridge, Mass. police say they became alarmed after receiving a report that a black man was attempting to break into Gates' house. To their astonishment, the man turned out to be Gates himself.
"After eluding the law for decades, Henry Louis Gates Jr. slipped up. We can confirm that he is black, despite years of doing lectures, writing books, and teaching at Harvard -- all things you'd expect a white person to do," said Sgt. James Crowley, who arrested Gates. Jr. after confirming his blackness in person with a simple field test of his dancing abilities. "We're just lucky that a vigilant neighbor had the sense to realize what we've all been missing: this black guy was trying to pass himself off as something he isn't."
Crowley and his colleagues on the force believe that Gates is originally from the ghettos of Compton, California, and that he killed and stole the identity of white professor Wallace Cornby III, who died in 1983 in a bizarre fishing "accident" while vacationing in the Hamptons.
"Wallace Cornby would've earned that big house, whereas Gates most likely used his powers of affirmative action to get it for free," explained Detective Kurtis K. Klimer. "We also suspect that Mr. Gates hid a small white man in his trousers who constantly fed him a stream of note cards in order to complete his lectures."
Klimer also pointed out that Gates has defended rap music as having important roots in African-American culture and tradition, despite it being "well-known that rap is mere noise that advocates 'capping' (killing) niggas (white people)."
As evidence to confirm their theory, Cambridge police cite Gates' "irate" reaction at being accused of breaking into his own house, something that they say would have been accepted and even welcomed by a white person.
"White people love the police, and they love showing off their fine homes and possessions to guests -- often in the form of dinner parties," said Klimer. "Put those things together, and you have a recipe for a great time."
Instead of inviting police inside and ordering a butler to cook them appetizers, however, Gates merely complied with their requests, showing them his Harvard identification -- now known to be Wallace Cornby's -- with "an attitude" and leaving police with no choice but to arrest him immediately.
"His attempts to show us identification this and driver's license that only demonstrated how guilty he was," said Klimer with a grin. "It's elementing, my dear Dobson."
Critics have charged that the arrest was racially-motivated, and that a white professor would not have been treated so harshly. The complaints confuse Sgt. Crowley, who answers them with a befuddled "of course."
"We arrested him because he was a black guy acting like a white guy -- that's breaking the law," Crowley said. "If I had the chance, I would arrest every white person who ever appeared on 'Oprah' under the same principle. I'm no racist."
When asked if there could ever be a legitimate African-American professor, Crowley arrested our reporter.
