Americans Prepare For Annual September 11th Terrorist Attacks

Pictured: a pre-emptive 9/11/09 poster.

In a somber-yet-familiar way, many Americans have completed preparations for the next round of September 11 terrorist attacks, which are expected to happen tomorrow as they have been every year since the first assault in 2001. 

Not all have chosen to have living funerals; some are throwing parties, going to confession, or trying heroin for the first time. Still, most expect to die in some conflagration.

"With most of the population of the United States already destroyed by airplanes crashing into buildings, we have to wonder if this year's holocaust will continue to carry the kind of importance that the first 9/11 did," said Timothy Moller, author of the book September 11th: Why Does This Day Kill Us Every Single Year? "It seems that every year, as another chunk of the American population is incinerated by a copycat terrorist act, Americans forget the stakes of the war we are waging against the forces that bring death and destruction every 11th of September.

"We must never forget, lest the next massacre catch us by surprise."

An official count of surviving citizens remains unavailable, but a recent census conducted by citizens of the internet concluded that the current population is approximately half of what it was on September 10, 2001.  Some contend, however, that that estimate could be skewed by the millions of Americans still hiding in their grandmother's basement, watching YouTube clips of the first attacks on New York City.

Nevertheless, one thing that almost everyone can agree upon is that the events of the first September 11th -- or 9/11 Prime as it's sometimes called -- are difficult to ignore, and that the anniversary of that infamous day is an appropriate time to remember the scores of victims of past and future September elevenths.

"Even without the attacks, I would most likely still remember what happened on the first 9/11, or at least that something happened, but still they come, year after year," complained Alexander Doogan, who was a senior at Indiana University in 2001 when the World Trade Center was destroyed for the first time.  "It's like, 'Okay, we get it, there was an attack,' but they just keep it up every year in an attempt to remind us what happened eight years ago tomorrow."

"Not to be cruel to the victims of the first through seventh 9/11s, but it's getting kind of old, you know?" added Doogan.

Though Americans have become accustomed to dying horrifically every September 11th, government and military officials have issued a statement reminding citizens that many of the attacks have been imaginary, even though most proceed with their preparations regardless of this.

"Whether or not the attacks are real or imagined, we expect September 11th, 2009 to have a major impact on the way we view our safety and security and shape our foreign policy," said NYC Fire Dept. Chief Robert Lowery.  "I have personally called all my friends and family to say goodbye, walked through Battery Park one last time, and had a whiskey with my men [in the NYFD], because who knows what kind of 9/11 this one will be? I could be trapped in the burning rubble of a building destroyed by terrorists, or becoming infected with an unknown, incurable virus that was dropped into the water system, or facing dinosaurs reconstituted with terrorist DNA."

Lowery did admit that "waking up screaming to find that it was all a bad dream, or just a CNN rerun, would be pretty embarrassing. It may be best for both me and our nation if it's the real thing."

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