Couple To Wed Despite Impending Nuclear Holocaust

Pictured: the end of days.

John Ridner and Karen Fulmer, each one of them half of a well-liked local couple known colloquially as "John and Karen", have announced plans to wed in the summer of 2010, despite many experts "virtually guaranteeing" the catastrophic collapse of human civilization in the years immediately following the wedding.

Though experts' theories of the cause of the looming apocalypse vary, most agree that it's a given, and will likely involve fear, pestilence, and nuclear holocaust.

"Why anyone would want to get married now is quite beyond our ability to understand," said philosophy and theology professor Regis Sommerdale of Oxford University. "The end of the earth -- which will happen in 2012 according to ancient texts and an upcoming documentary about the event staring John Cusack -- will almost certainly be preceded by unspeakable licentiousness and godlessness, in which the social order is reduced to communicating only through acts of sex and violence, or violent sex."

Sommerdale believes that the very deliberate and spiritual union between Ridner and Fulmer stands in stark contrast to "the depravity -- and fun -- we are about to witness as human civilization comes to a close."

He then terminated our interview "to bang one of the nubile co-eds" from the new crop of his new students.

Whether the finer points of society's conclusion include animalistic anarchy or simply a fiery nuclear rain, eschatologists everywhere have all agreed that the future Mr. and Mrs. Ridner should be spending their time more constructively than planning a trite and ultimately meaningless wedding.

"I wouldn't be thinking about wedding bands and flowers -- I'd be building a bomb shelter and stocking up on enough food and guns to get to the 22nd century, when the earth just might be safe again," said South Dakota resident Dale Trucks, stocking the 1950s-era bomb shelter in his backyard that has become his primary residence since Barack Obama became President. "Good families had their day in the Bush Administration, but now it's life or death (mostly death), and I'm prepared."

"Marriage can't save the Ridners like a good bomb shelter could," added Trucks, unconsciously rubbing one of his guns and smiling. "Of course, I hate like hell that I have to use it, but by the same token, I'm extremely happy this day is finally almost here."

Government officials have also weighed in on the fast-approaching End of Days, and while they wish the young couple all the best, they also urge them "not to get used to it."

"I suppose it will do them good to have someone to cling to when the bombs fall, the ozone disintegrates, and the nuclear wave hits," said General Colin Zagorsky from the Cheyenne Mountain Air Force Station, "but really, what's the point? Even if they survive the initial blast, they'll never make it as warriors of the New Order, which is what we are training for here in The [Cheyenne] Mountain [Air Force Station]. Nope, they would most likely be cut down by soldiers we have trained to secure the vast atomic wastelands and rid it of all 'undesirables' and survivors."

Though authorities are either unable or unwilling to divulge exactly what disastrous turn of events will trigger the destruction of mankind, the environmentalist contingent sees Ridner and Fulmer's moment at the altar as a small contribution to their own -- and everyone's -- impending demise.

"If that Ridner is anything like what I'm angrily imagining, he'll have one of those 30-foot SUV limos at his wedding, which is only contributing to the melting of the ice caps, the deforestation of the Amazon and the destruction of a rare species of bird that hasn't yet been discovered, but probably holds the key to humanity's salvation," said Greenpeace member Bradley Darlington. "With everything that's happening, it's beyond conscience what are these two fools doing -- having a wedding -- when they should be more concerned about the world that their children aren't going to get to live in."

"Poster children of the apocalypse," concluded Darlington about the nuptial couple.

When asked about the concerns of the likelihood of the Seventh Seal being opened before the couple can experience the joys of matrimony, Fulmer replied, "Well, we found a really wonderful photographer."

Ridner defaulted to his wife's opinion on the matter.

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: