Insurgents Intentionally Die, Celebrate Moral Victory Over U.S. Forces

With the insurgent death toll estimated at nearly 1000 with at least 150 captured by U.S. and Iraqi forces after the week-long battle in the beleaguered Iraqi city of Fallujah, rebels claimed success in their goal of dying during the holy month of Ramadan.

"Praise Allah, for the Great Satan has been defeated once more!" said insurgent leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi in a recorded statement. "We have succeeded in our plans to die in great numbers and thus be rewarded in the afterlife. This is clearly a crushing defeat for the United States."

Zarqawi added that as a bonus, several Americans have died in the battle.

"We have slaughtered at least 22 of the infidel Americans who had wanted to live a life of freedom, peace and happiness," he said. "Each of our 1000 martyrs was willing, if not enthusiastic, to be killed for this mighty cause and, at a kill ratio of 45-to-one, we are victorious!"

The tape became scrambled and indecipherable until Zarqawi, who is thought to have fled Fallujah before he could be captured or killed by US or Iraqi forces, could be heard wistfully adding, "Drat! All this C-4 at my disposal and no one within miles! If only I could be honored the same way that these brave lions are by being gunned down by coalition gunfire!"

In Islamic culture, it is considered superlative to die while fighting a jihad, or holy war, and to or be killed during the Islamic holy month of Ramadan -- especially towards the end of the celebration, which is considered a particularly holy time -- is considered by many insurgents to be the ultimate in good fortune, frustrating the efforts of the U.S. and Iraqi forces.

"It's been hard on the morale when we think of all the insurgents who are, having just recently been mowed down by gunfire, ascending to heaven while the rest of us kafirs are doing the work of Satan," said. U.S. Army Capt. Angela Berman.

Berman reloaded her weapon, looking to the sky with pleading eyes, and admitted, "They do have the moral ground on us here; I don't want to die and descend to [Islam's hell] Jahannum, while the enemy has a front row seat in heaven regardless of outcome. Fuck, we're screwed."

Insurgents continued to revel in their victory even as they were driven into the last few pockets of south Fallujah not yet under American control. American forces could not determine whether the firing of ammunition was celebratory or desperate, but as U.S. Marines and Army move closer towards securing the entire city, morale remains low as troops become convinced that the terrorists are "getting a good deal out of this."

"Man, I've got to get on the kind of religion that gives you virgins and eternal bliss, all for the low, low price of getting your ass blown off by an American-made M-16," said Lance Corporal Jim Johnson dejectedly. "All of my years thinking that terrorism was wrong and bad have been dashed to pieces, and I've made a decision – when the war's over, I'm going to move my family from the [Charleston-area] suburb of Mt. Pleasant and move as near to wherever I can be closest to the teachings of fanatical righteousness, intolerance and genuflect slaughter."

"Chalk up another crippling U.S. defeat in Iraq," said another soldier bitterly. "If things continue going the way Fallujah went and our enemies keep getting into heaven, I just don't know how many more soldiers Uncle Sam is going to have by the time this thing is through."

Back at home, many U.S. citizens received the news of the outcome of Fallujah's invasion with unsurprised disappointment.

"John Kerry would've easily fixed this mess," asserted one man from California. "Thanks a lot, George W. Jerk."

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