Iraq Constitution Passes, Enables Continued Fighting And Poverty

In what the Bush administration is referring to as one of over 98 million "landmark" events in Iraq since it was invaded, the country's constitution has almost certainly passed, despite the best efforts of minority group Sunni "Not Sunny" Arabs to thwart the passage through negative voting and not voting at all. Already, several are predicting great things for the constitution, including further solidifying division, insurgent attacks, and poverty lines -- all strong themes for the nation since the U.S. invasion.

"This constitution could allow Iraq to continue on its own the things that up until now it had to rely on the United States for," said Prihair Qualmam, a professor in Iraq. "U.S. troops may be able to leave in the near future, allowing Iraq to become a fully self-sufficient fuck-up."

That near future could begin as soon as December 15th, when Iraqis will vote again on a new parliament, although the vote also gives Sunnis the chance to vote for faux parliaments like "The Parliament Funkadelic" designed to disrupt the process of new government by preoccupying citizens with the funk.

Still, with the constitution in place, Iraq is almost assuredly closing in on establishing a democratic regime that will not have to rely on the United States, living it free to deliberate on matters of its own choosing, such as selling oil cheaply to the United States.

"Iraq will be able to continue experiencing insurgent attacks while also holding important government meetings about oil disbursement," said Professor al-Shishkabab. "This constitution is truly an important landmark."

Even American analysts, considered by most Americans to be cooler and less "terroristic" than Iraq analysts, agreed.

"Wait, Iraq has professors?" said one.

Other topics likely to be first on the chopping block for the new government include discussing how much oil to keep from the Sunnis, discussing why the Sunnis are so stupid, whether or not Qerri al-Shiavo should have her feeding tube removed, and sending the United States a thank-you note, but have it not be sure if it's sincere or sarcastic.

"Democracy will be fun!" said one Senator-in-the-making enthusiastically. "I'll show up to all the sessions, and vote on all the bills, but I'll never forget my constituents, and never let my personal morals get in the way of how I vote and govern."

"Maybe the Sunnis can be our slaves," suggested another eventual law-maker. "I predict that that would solve all of our problems forever, or at least for 89 years."

Ordinary citizens can also look forward to the broken infrastructure and unsafe security that they've come to expect from their country.

"Some are worried that this constitution would shake things up too much, but I know that even when the United States leaves, things aren't going to clear up, and we'll continue down the path we were set on," said one woman, smiling. "That's something I know I can count on."

"U.S. forces keep dying -- five soldiers died on our election day alone -- and I just feel bad," said another in sympathy. "I think we're ready to start killing each other now."

When reached for comment, terrorists and insurgents could only howl in outrage.

"I HATE FREEDOM!" shouted one, clutching his chest in pain and writhing on the ground. "OH, THEIR FREEDOM HURTS ME AND I HATE THEM FOR IT!"

In Other News

Conservationists Fear Dwindling Park Space Reduces Places Kids Can Safely Get High (07/13/10)

Area Man's Use Of Pay Phone Angers, Confuses Coworkers (07/11/10)

LeBron James Announces Plan To Follow In Jordan's Footsteps, Play For Birmingham Barons Minor League Squad (07/08/10)

Anti-Incumbent Sentiment In Washington Kills Senator Robert Byrd (06/28/10)

The Enduring Vision: A Documentary In Two Parts (06/21/10)

Your Letters Answered (06/17/10)

U.S. Identifies Vast Deposits Of Unobtainium In Afghanistan (06/16/10)

BP Points Out That Oil Spill Could Give Rise To Toxic Avenger Style Superhero (06/14/10)

Area Man Definitely Counting That Walk To The Mailbox As Today's Exercise (06/10/10)

Even More Shit:



The Beast

RSS Feed

Paying The Bills: